Religion or spirituality is often very personal and intimate for people. Spiritual practices can include all sorts of things from structured religious gatherings to solo treks in nature. Many folks whose spiritual journey has included structured religious settings have received messages of being “too much.”
These messages may have come from a variety of sources, but some common threads are messages received from religious leaders, from implicit or explicit gender roles within the group, and from the sacred texts read within the group. Based on my personal experience and my work with survivors of spiritual abuse and religious trauma, these “too much” messages regularly lead to struggling with the belief that you are not enough.
From Leaders
Imagine you’ve connected with a religious group. You find yourself drawn toward their beliefs and you want to understand more, so you ask questions. At first, those questions are met with excitement and willingness on the part of leaders to examine the topics with you. That is, until you bring up a seeming contradiction or express your doubts about the accuracy of a particular teaching. You may no longer get a response from the leaders, or they may tell you that you need to have more faith. You get the message that you’re “too curious, too lacking in belief.”
Or perhaps you’ve been part of a particular faith group since childhood, and you’ve always heard that a certain other group of people was not as ‘good.’ This assumption might be based on their religious beliefs, or race, or music style, or sexuality. Regardless, ‘those people’ are bad. Until one day you find yourself chatting with one of ‘those people’ – your math tutor is a different race, you find yourself chatting at a social event with someone from that other belief system, the person who stops to help you when your car won’t start is accompanied by their same gender partner. And you realize your group has taken issue with a concept, without recognizing the humanity of ‘those people.’ You’re left with an internal battle because to welcome these new ideas and relationships is to be called “too worldly” by your faith group.
From Gender Roles
You’ve listened to multiple talks or sermons or seminars from leaders about how each of us has individual talents, and how we are called to use those gifts and talents to serve within our religious group. There’s just one problem. Your talents and interests don’t align with the expected gender roles in your faith group. You’re a woman who is gifted in teaching, but that’s seen as being “too vocal.” You’re a man who loves cooking and wants to help with community meals, but that’s seen as “too feminine.”
Within many faith traditions, gender has historically, and often still is, seen as a rigid binary. Folks who don’t fit within those narrow parameters receive a multitude of messages about being “too much.”
Men may get messages that they are “too passive” if they communicate without aggression, or “too sensitive” if they express their emotions. Women may be told they’re “too strong-spirited” if they are vocal about a cause, or “too independent” if they are not focused on finding a mate. In many religious groups, a focus on sexual purity leads to men getting the message they are “too weak” to control themselves and women getting the message that they are “too tempting” to allow themselves to fully show up in spaces.
For those who do not fit within this binary, who find themselves somewhere else along a spectrum of gender, all the messages may be absorbed. Regardless of passions, actions, or characteristics, you’re going to be “too much” of something in this narrow view of gender.
From Scripture
Imagine your faith group is committed to a literal reading of a sacred text within that tradition. Some circles of Christianity embrace this literal view of the Bible. You may hear/read on a regular basis that you are sinful, so bad (even from birth) that a perfect being (i.e. Jesus) had to die to pay a debt caused by your badness. There is a clear message that you are “too wretched” as you are. And, for some, this message can have detrimental effects on mental health.
Another common message within some Christian circles is that your heart is “deceitful” based on a verse in the book of Jeremiah in the Old Testament. This belief lends itself to teachings of not being able to trust yourself, which can lead to disconnection from your own passions and intuition. In some ways, the idea of a “deceitful heart” is the ultimate message of being “too human.”
Sound Familiar?
Do some of these messages sound familiar? Perhaps you have been part of a faith-based group where one of the scenarios above had an impact on how you view yourself. You may be struggling with questioning yourself, allowing yourself to take up space in the world. You may be wrestling with how to maintain your faith while shedding some of the painful messages. You may be trying to figure out your identity if you are no longer involved with a previous faith group.
If you resonate with any of these types of messages from religious/spiritual contexts, I invite you to contact me regarding working together to address how this affects you. You may also be interested in the virtual religious trauma group that I offer for folks located in NC.
I believe that religious and spiritual trauma is very real. In my role as a licensed mental health counselor, it is not my place to control your faith journey, but to support you in wherever your journey may take you. I understand and respect deep commitment to one’s beliefs, and will never tell you what your spirituality should include. If you have questions about what working with me might look like, please contact me.
This is part three of a multi-part series on how the messages of being “too much” can impact our lives. Read more about messages from childhood and messages from adolescence, and stay tuned for the rest of the series.
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
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