Adolescence can be difficult for both the teen and the adults who care about them. Teenagers are experiencing physical changes, awakening to sexual interests, developing their own opinions, beliefs and identity, considering future plans, and navigating social interactions. All of this may be occurring while also trying to balance academics, extracurricular activities, and family relationships. That is a lot to maneuver, particularly when considering that the portion of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) which assists in balancing reason with emotion is not yet fully developed until around age 25. How can parents and other caregivers assist adolescents in navigating these challenging, but exciting years?
Family Time
Despite what your teen may say, they often desire to maintain connection with family. Make an effort to include them in making decisions about family time. Perhaps allow them to choose the activity as an opportunity to share their interests with you. Consider their schedules and preferences when making family plans. For example, they may not appreciate a family outing on Friday evening if they enjoy attending football games with their friends. It’s important to allow them to be part of the discussion without making judgements of their choices and preferences.
Pick Your Battles
Adults and teens do not always see eye-to-eye. It is important to allow adolescents the opportunity to express themselves and explore their values. Parents can provide a safe place for this exploration. Take some time to consider your willingness to allow your teen to have freedom in things such as changing their hair color, expressing themselves with clothing, or following a vegetarian diet. Identify the areas you would consider as non-negotiable – perhaps academic efforts, faith involvement, holiday traditions, or use of social media – and focus your attention there. Allowing your teen freedom in other areas may decrease the discord in the areas you care about most.
Listen
Teens are capable of critical thinking and many have active thought lives. You can build a stronger relationship with your teen by listening with a focus on understanding your teen’s thoughts and opinions, rather than a focus on responding to them and defending your own positions. Teens often share the most important statements amidst the seemingly mundane. They are keenly aware of others’ verbal and nonverbal responses, often shutting down when they sense they are being judged or attacked. Avoid “I’m right because I’m the adult” thinking and seek to hear what your teen is saying. When you’re not sure what they mean, ask with curiosity and allow them to offer their own insight.
Establish Boundaries
Boundaries provide a sense of safety for people. So, even though you may receive pushback from a teen regarding boundaries, establishing and sticking to boundaries is important. A clearly stated boundary allows teens to know what is expected and what will occur if the boundary is not respected. Remember, testing boundaries is often a part of typical teen development. Teens need to know what the expectations are, as well what the consequences will be if they cross the boundary. It is most helpful to have consequences that naturally relate to the boundary. For example, if you state that social media apps are not to be used after 9pm, and your teen crosses that boundary, a natural consequence could be that they lose access to phones/laptops at 9pm for a specified amount of time.
Remember, if a boundary and consequence are stated and not enforced, the teen faces uncertainty in what to expect and how to behave. This may increase your teen’s tendency to test the limits in an effort to determine what truly matters. In other words, don’t make threats of consequences that you are not willing and able to enforce.
Be Open To Talking with a Professional
Your teen may benefit from speaking to a trustworthy adult who can help them sort through the challenges of adolescence and provide them a safe space to talk about their life. This may be an adult friend of the family, a teacher or coach, a spiritual leader, or a licensed mental health professional.
While I no longer work with individuals under 18, I have years of experience providing support to teens and young adults in both clinical and non-clinical settings. I also recognize that it can be important for adult caregivers of teens to have access to a licensed counselor to talk about your own mental health concerns and how that may be affecting your relationship with your teen.
If you are looking for a therapist in NC who understands adolescence and can support you as you navigate caring for the teen(s) in your life, I welcome you to take a look around and learn more about me and my services. I am also available to to provide educational workshops on topics related to general mental health or supporting your adolescent. You can contact me here to schedule a consultation to talk about options.
**A previous version of this post has appeared in the Health and Wellness section of The Sanford Herald in Sanford, NC.**
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
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