One of the most prominent factors in spiritual abuse is the misuse of spiritual power to control. Survivors of spiritual abuse may describe their experience as feeling like their life is a video game and someone else has possession of the controller. In honor of January being Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month, this post takes a closer look at some of the common tactics that are present in spiritually abusive interactions or environments.
In her book, Understanding Spiritual Abuse: What It Is and How to Respond, author Karen Roudkovski devotes an entire chapter to the role of control within spiritual abuse. In this post, I’m going to take a look at some of the ways a perpetrator of spiritual abuse may assert control, providing a few examples from my own lived experience.
Who Am I?
My name is Michelle F. Moseley and I am a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has been specializing in supporting survivors of spiritual abuse, religious trauma, and those deconstructing and/or reclaiming their faith since 2019. Prior to returning to graduate school in 2014 and pursuing a career as a licensed mental health counselor, I spent 15+ years working (in both volunteer and vocational roles) in evangelical Christian spaces. I had my own experience of spiritual abuse, resulting in religious trauma, during my time in vocational ministry, culminating with a decision to exit ministry in early 2013.
I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe my situation as it was happening. In fact, it was during my own therapy in the summer of 2013 that my counselor said, “Michelle, it sounds like you’re experiencing a trauma response.” Hearing that felt so validating for me – to have a word to describe the experiences I was having, to feel like my therapist was taking my concerns seriously. In my case, identifying the trauma responses helped open up conversations about my specific experiences and created a path for healing. Having the vocabulary that felt right was an integral early step.
A NOTE ABOUT WORDS… I describe my experience as including both spiritual abuse and religious trauma. Here is what I mean when I use those words to describe my experience:
- Spiritual Abuse – For me, the spiritual abuse was the concentrated events that occurred over the course of 2+ years that included misuse of power to destabilize my self-concept and religious belief system. These events led to impacts in a variety of areas, including mentally, emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually.
- Religious Trauma – My understanding of trauma includes the impact of an event (or multiple events) on a person’s individual nervous system and the person’s ability to return to a sense of emotional safety. The spiritual abuse I experienced impacted my nervous system in ways that I am still uncovering, and my sense of emotional safety was shattered due to the ongoing and ever-present nature of my experience.
The Misuse of Power
The misuse of power is central to the foundation of all types of abuse. In the case of spiritual abuse, this misuse of power occurs in a spiritual context and frequently includes areas of impact that may not be present in other types of abuse. Roudkovski includes the following facets of the misuse of power in her discussion of spiritual abuse: limiting personal agency, excessive accountability and monitoring of behavior, performance-based acceptance, required obedience to the abuser, and isolation.
The next portion of this post focuses on each of those aspects of spiritual abuse individually, and includes a bit about my own personal experience with each one.
LIMITING PERSONAL AGENCY
Spiritual abuse frequently involves the misuse of power in a way that limits another’s ability to make choices or to feel that they are able to impact change in their environment. This can lead to a sense of powerlessness and feelings of hopelessness.
Many survivors of spiritual abuse resonate with the experience of having limited personal agency. It is often rare for someone to have a specific instance when this lack of control was first felt due to the pervasive nature of spiritual abuse in attacking one’s worldview and soul-level identity. For me, there is a specific instance when I first recall feeling that I had no control.
I received a text in the late afternoon stating that my [ministry job] team leader needed to talk with me. As a person who deals with pretty intense anxiety and constant fear that I have done something wrong, this kind of text sends my brain into a whirlwind. I was already at a location near this individual’s home – where he preferred to have meetings – and it was decided we would have the talk that evening. After more than 2 hours of a discussion where it was obvious we were not going to see eye-to-eye, I stated, “It’s getting late and I don’t think this conversation is going anywhere. I’d like to leave.” Keep in mind this conversation was not about anything concrete I had done wrong, but was based on the leader’s opinions about me going to therapy with a licensed mental health counselor. The response to my request to leave was, “We need to figure this out. If you leave now, I will have to report you for insubordination.”
That was the moment that I became very aware that I did not have control in this situation. The theme of a lack of personal agency continued to play out regularly over the next 2+ years.
EXCESSIVE ACCOUNTABILITY AND MONITORING OF BEHAVIOR
Lots of folks who have experienced spiritual abuse discuss the ways they were continually monitored. This may include checklists of desired behaviors or having other group members report back to leadership regarding behavior. Sometimes this includes rigorous and detailed methods of accountability. This accountability frequently includes multiple, in-depth meetings with a leader or leadership group where the individual must discuss intricate (sometimes intimate) details of their actions while knowing their fate is in the hands of the leader.
I experienced both monitoring of behavior and excessive accountability meetings during the years I was being spiritually abused.
The accountability meetings began shortly after that first conversation that I mentioned above. These meetings were initially scheduled twice a month, and quickly moved to weekly events. They took place at the home of my spiritual abuser, where his wife was present and would chime in occasionally to back him up. These meetings began to grow longer and longer. I was regularly given a list of behaviors and attitudes, instructing me on how I should exist and what I should be doing, and making clear the areas where I was behaving or existing incorrectly. These were not areas of immorality (within the context of the belief system or my ministry role), but included things like not sending any emails without the leader’s pre-approval. At one point, I was being forced to attend a 2-3 hour meeting every week with this leader. These left me both emotionally and mentally exhausted, and eventually led to increasing physical health issues related to the stress.
PERFORMANCE-BASED ACCEPTANCE
Many high-control groups, religious or not, have expectations around how group members behave, how they ‘perform’ life. Sometimes these expectations come in the form of written rules, but not always. In unhealthy systems, the rules and expectations frequently shift and change in ways that contribute to folks constantly questioning their acceptance.
My spiritual abuse occurred within an evangelical Christian organization. A lot of focus was given to the idea of grace and not needing to earn favor. Yet, a lot of my actual experience did not reflect a foundation of being accepted.
I now know that I am Autistic, and understand that the unique way my brain functions impacted my experience of spiritual abuse. I need structure – when things go awry or plans suddenly change, it is difficult for me to adapt. It’s not sin or disrespect, it’s the biological fact that my brain needs time to process the change. I seek out to understand expectations, particularly in interactions with other people, so when those are constantly in flux my entire nervous system is stressed. I have to work very hard to be aware of my facial expressions at all times and to non-verbally respond in ways that are viewed as acceptable. (This is known as autistic masking.) I have a very rich inner life, including my heart-level reactions, and I don’t share that with others easily. The less safe I feel, the less likely I’m showing up in an authentic way.
All of these characteristics did not align with the performance I was expected to give in the context of my spiritual abuse. The way I process and understand interactions was labeled as disrespectful. My need for structure and timeliness was judged as not “assuming the best” about others. My inner experience, which is rarely shared with anyone, and certainly not with my abuser, was attacked with an accusation that I’m pretty sure will ring in my mind forever. I would never be accepted because I would never be able to “perform” just right.
REQUIRED OBEDIENCE TO THE ABUSER
Another common part of spiritually abusive experiences is that obedience to the abuser is required in some way. An individual may experience required obedience due to threats of supernatural or eternal consequences for disobedience. This can include being told that the person and/or those they care about will be eternally punished if the individual disobeys the abuser. In other cases of spiritual abuse, a person may be overtly or covertly threatened in other ways, such as being told any of the following will occur if they do not obey the abuser: they will be kicked out of the group and shunned, they will not be believed and will be punished in some way, they will lose their job, they will disappoint god (or their higher power), etc.
My situation came with the threat of job loss should I not appease my abuser. However, because of the complexity of the situation and my status as a single adult at the time, job loss meant many other things. I knew that “disobedience” to my abuser could (and ultimately did) lead to the loss of my job, my income, my relationships, my home, my sense of self, and my understanding of faith.
ISOLATION
This is a powerful motivator and a common theme in all types of abuse. Humans are wired for connection – we all yearn to have a person or people with whom we feel safe and understood. We intrinsically know that being alone in the world can be dangerous. We also can become convinced (or convince ourselves) of all sorts of things when we are cut off from interaction with others. Abuse thrives in isolation.
The meetings with my abuser mentioned earlier in this post were held in semi-isolation. I say “semi” because he required another person be there due to what’s often known as the “Billy Graham rule”** in evangelical Christian spaces. There was always one other person present; initially it was his wife, which felt incredibly manipulative of the situation. I was told that I was never to discuss these meetings with any of my co-workers. This prevented me from being able to get a more clear view of reality from outside perspectives. After one 3-ish hour meeting, I came out of the room sobbing. My co-workers were present and saw me, leading one of them to ask the abuser what was happening. I was later reprimanded for talking about the meetings, despite the fact that I hadn’t said anything.
Isolation makes gaslighting easier. The abuser can more readily say things that make you question your reality and the way you remember events when you aren’t able to discuss those events with others. In my case, I also believe my abuser was aware that my status as a single adult made it easier to isolate me, and meant that there was no one he saw as equal (i.e. male) to defend me.
Is This You?
Are you resonating with any of these descriptions? Are you aware of situations where there was/is a misuse of power through limiting personal agency, excessive accountability and monitoring of behavior, performance-based acceptance, required obedience to the abuser, or isolation? These can be foundational aspects of any type of abuse, but the layers of harm can be particularly complex when power is misused to control another person in a spiritual context. That is spiritual abuse.
Getting Support
Finding a supportive person or space to talk about your experience can help you gain understanding of what’s happened/happening. You can also learn about resources and feel supported as you navigate how you wish to handle your particular situation. Working with a licensed mental health professional who has an understanding of spiritual abuse and religious trauma can be helpful. You may also find support and connection with other survivors in group therapy or support groups.
I provide individual and group therapy for survivors of spiritual abuse who are located in North Carolina. In addition to my own lived experience, I have training in working with complex trauma, as well as additional education and training in working with spiritual abuse and religious trauma survivors. You can contact me here to schedule a consultation for individual therapy. You can also learn more about the therapy group I facilitate around these topics, Wounded By Faith, here and complete an interest form if you think this group might be a good fit for you.
If you’re not located in NC, there are a few resources that may be helpful in locating a therapist or support group. Reclamation Collective offers a therapist directory of mental health professionals who work with spiritual abuse and religious trauma. They also offer 10-week virtual support groups throughout the year. The Secular Therapy Project also offers a therapist directory, and may be a great fit for those who are not interested in any form of spirituality. Journey Free, based on the work of Marlene Winell, may also be another helpful resource in finding support in recovering from harmful religious experiences.
Working with a licensed mental health counselor who listened and helped me navigate my own experience was an invaluable part of my own healing journey. If you find yourself trying to figure out or heal from your own spiritual abuse, I hope you’re able to connect with support that meets you where you are and supports you in your specific journey forward.
*I have made the professional choice not to openly name the ministry with which I worked nor the individual who was the main perpetrator of spiritual abuse in my situation. The misuse of power is foundational in most instances of spiritual abuse, regardless of the specific context.
**Billy Graham Rule – This “rule” is a self-imposed requirement that many men in religious leadership put on themselves that they will never interact (including responding to work-related texts) with a woman other than their wife. Thus, my abuser could not meet with me alone. This rule is explained as a way of honoring marriage, but in actuality it keeps women out of leadership and decision-making and is another way of sexually objectifying women.
___________
Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
Sign-up for Michelle’s Monthly Email Newsletter to make sure you never miss a blog post
