It’s mid-October as I write this and many people are starting to think about the upcoming holiday season. Whether it’s Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, or any other variety of holiday celebrations that happen in the last few months of the year, folks are starting to prepare.
For some this means building excitement about travel, holiday traditions, and time with loved ones. But for many this time of year brings grief, frustration, and maybe even a wish they could just bypass those holiday expectations.
Why Are Holidays Difficult?
Holidays can be difficult for a variety of reasons. Here are just a few:
- Grief. Grieving a family member, a lost tradition, or a life change can be intensified during the holiday season.
- Difficult Family Relationships. Whether it’s a history of discord in the family or an adult child who has realized their parents will never fully know or accept them, navigating family relationships can be made more difficult by holiday expectations.
- Not Feeling Like Celebrating. Chaotic news cycles, mental or physical health concerns, and overall exhaustion can make it hard to feel excited about celebrating.
- Differences in Beliefs and Worldviews. Gathering with others who don’t share your worldview can be difficult. This is made even harder if they attack your perspective or if the situation requires you to hide aspects of your identity.
It is a completely valid choice to not attend events, to not engage with certain family members, or to pretend it’s just another Tuesday (or Thursday, or Sunday, as the case may be).
But if you are taking part in holiday gatherings, read on for some ideas about how to support yourself before, during, and after the event / visit.
What Can I Do Beforehand to Prepare?
It’s important to prepare for holiday impacts prior to the date or event. This may mean declining invitations or creating your own ritual or celebration.
If you choose to attend a holiday celebration, here are some things to consider beforehand:
Lodging and Time Boundaries. Choose where you will stay if you’ll be traveling away from home for the holidays. Perhaps a local short-term rental or a hotel is the best option, if finances allow, so that you can have your own space and some time away from the crowd. For those staying closer to home, a specific time boundary around your presence may be important. Maybe you commit to being available for dinner from 6-8pm, but make it clear you will need to leave at 8pm. This gives you a way to support your own needs while also clearly communicating with the event planner and other attendees.
Remind Yourself that You are an Adult. Something about gathering with family for holidays tends to reignite the family dynamics of childhood. It’s easy to forget that you are now an adult who gets to have thoughts and opinions, and gets to choose what you will allow from others. You may want to create a mantra to remind yourself of your adult status. It may also be helpful to plan for the foreseeable moments when you might be tempted to revert to childlike responses. For example, imagine Aunt Susy always makes comments about how your body has changed over the year. It may be helpful to plan and practice a response beforehand (in your full adult voice) like, “Please do not comment on my body. There are many other things about my life I’d love to discuss.”
How Can I Support Myself During an Event?
Taking care of your brain and your body during a stressful holiday event are important ways of supporting yourself.
For Your Body
Your body knows when you’re in an environment that is uncomfortable or unsafe. You may notice things like your heart beating faster or feeling like there’s just not enough air. You may even feel parts of your body – often jaw, shoulders, or hands – start to tense up. Building an awareness of your body’s responses can help you notice them in the moment and have some options to support yourself.
Supportive tools you might find helpful include:
- Comfort or fidget items. Having access to an item that soothes your nervous system and/or provides an option for releasing some energy can be helpful. You might choose to wear an especially cozy shirt or bring along a smooth stone in your pocket. Perhaps you could utilize a favorite fidget item or accessory.
- Cold water. Have you ever had someone suggest that you go splash some cold water on your face when you’re feeling out of sorts? Well, there is something to that. Cold water or an ice pack can help regulate your nervous system. If having an ice pack available isn’t an option, you can go to the restroom and put cold water on your face or let it run over your hands and wrists to help regulate your nervous system.
- Intense movement. Don’t let the word “intense” scare you. Intensity is in the eye of the beholder (or body holder, as the case may be). This could include going for a walk or run, doing some jumping jacks in a private space, or even moving tables and chairs to set up the space. Anything that helps release some of the pent up energy in your body can be helpful.
For Your Brain
Sometimes the overwhelm, frustration, or distress is more focused in your thoughts than in your body. You may find yourself worrying about what Uncle George is going to do or say next. You might be questioning where Cousin Aidan got their information about a particular topic. Your brain can feel full and overcome by the interactions around you.
Here are some ideas of ways to help support your brain:
- Take a “sociological view” of the interactions. It may be helpful to pretend you’re a researcher joining this particular group or gathering and taking in information about the interactions. This can create some distance between yourself and any troubling comments or actions, allowing your brain to think more clearly about how to respond. You may even choose to commit to being an observer and not responding at all.
- Give to a cause. Is there a particular topic that always comes up at these events? Maybe comments are made that are belittling a different belief or that support harm of a group of people. Your brain may find relief in committing to give (either money or time) toward a cause that supports that belief or group every time a negative comment is made. For example, you may decide to give $1 to The Trevor Project every time someone makes a disparaging comment about LGBTQ+ people. Or you may choose to commit 1 hour of volunteer service to the local women’s advocacy group for each interaction that belittles women. This can help give your brain a break from being on high alert and provide an actionable step for support of others.
For Both
Sometimes you might need an option that helps relieve both your brain and body. A supportive text thread or meme share with friends or loved ones who understand the situation can be helpful. This allows you to verbalize your experience and receive support and/or humor in-the-moment so you’re not carrying that around with you.
How Can I Take Care of Myself After a Stressful Gathering?
The event is over. The gathering is done. What can you do now to recover and get rid of any leftover stress?
Debrief with trusted people. Talk with folks who understand your situation and are able to support you in the ways you need. This may be a trusted friend, a caring partner, or a mental health professional. You may be looking for someone who can appreciate the struggle of loving your family members while also being hurt by their words or actions. Perhaps you need someone who has had similar experiences and can share their perspective. Maybe you need someone who will listen without offering any comments or feedback at all. Debriefing the experience allows you to get it out of your brain and nervous system, and can be helpful in gaining insight into how you might want to navigate future gatherings.
Plan something relaxing / rejuvenating / releasing. Be intentional about your plans following the event or gathering. This might include having something to immediately look forward to – attending a newly released movie, grabbing a favorite beverage, or visiting a nearby park. This can also include planning for the next few days (or even weeks) to help support your nervous system. Think about what you most often feel the need for after these interactions with family or other loved ones. Do you long to turn off your brain and relax? Are you seeking something that brings you alive and rejuvenates your system? Would an activity that provides a mental or physical release best meet your needs? Keep these things in mind as you make your plan for after those stressful gatherings.
Options for Ongoing Support
Do you find yourself dreading the holidays every year? Worried about how to navigate the expectations? Wishing you could either express yourself more clearly or avoid the gatherings all together?
You may benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who understands the complexities of family dynamics. As a therapist who specializes in supporting those who have experienced shifting religious beliefs and those who are neurodivergent, I find myself regularly discussing difficult family dynamics with others. Therapy sessions around this time of year often include discussions about navigating the holidays.
If you’re located in North Carolina and interested in working with me, I invite you to complete this contact form and we can schedule a free, virtual consultation to see if we might be a good fit.
Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
Sign-up for Michelle’s Monthly Email Newsletter to make sure you never miss a blog post