Holiday gatherings are often filled with moments of “I can’t believe they said that!”
Read on for 5 examples of things to avoid saying during your next gathering, as well as 5 better alternatives of things to say.
Things Not to Say
It’s best to avoid saying any of the following things during your holiday gathering (or really, just in general interactions with other people).
Cousin Taylor just got married. When is it gonna be your turn?
If someone has a marriage or any other relationship status update they want to share, they will! Comments like this put pressure on folks to “achieve a milestone” that may or may not be important to them personally. This type of question can also create a sense of shame for some single adults, highlighting feelings of not being worthy for marriage. Skip the comments and let folks share when and if they desire to do so.
That shirt is looking a bit snug. Maybe you ought to skip the dessert.
There is no reason to comment on someone’s body or food choices. Let me say it again – there is no reason to comment on someone’s body or food choices. We never know why a person’s body size may have changed. Unless a food is poisoned or contains a known allergen for the person, each individual deserves autonomy over what and how much they eat. (Let’s hope no one is serving poisoned food at their holiday gathering.)
Everyone is gathering in the other room to watch the game. Are you too good to join us?
Comments like this make a lot of assumptions about a person’s interests, desire, and capacity to engage in an activity. There is an underlying judgement – being “too good” – about the person and their choice. It’s best to avoid pressuring folks to engage in activities or making assumptions about why someone chooses not to participate.
I’ve been doing the newest diet or wellness trend / taking a weight loss med and it’s been going great. Why don’t you look into it?
Each of us has autonomy over our own body. If you are taking part in any sort of health / wellness / diet activities, there is no need to announce that to everyone. Often, a sense of morality is connected to being thin or engaging in weight loss trends here in the US (thanks diet culture!) The reality is that bodies come in different sizes and shapes. If someone wants to know about options for changing their body, they can seek out that information. It’s not kind (or generally welcome) to suggest weight loss to others.
Remember that time Stevie fell down and yanked the table cloth off the holiday table along with all the food?
Maybe Stevie thinks this is hilarious and brings up the memory themself. Or maybe Stevie was mortified by the incident and dreads every holiday gathering knowing that this memory is going to be re-shared. Don’t share others’ potentially embarrassing moments. If they think they’re fun memories, they’ll share them.
General rule: Comments that are judgemental, attacking, or likely embarrassing are best left unsaid.
Better Options of Things to Say
Looking for some alternative options of things to say during those holiday gatherings? Here are a few suggestions that steer clear of judgement and shaming.
Welcome! We’re so glad to have you joining us.
A statement like this is a simple way to acknowledge someone’s presence and let them know they are welcome. It also avoids any pressure to show up a certain way or share information they may not be ready to share.
There are several options of things to do – watch the game, play cards, chat with folks, help with food prep, or relax quietly. Take your pick.
Saying something like this is an easy way for the host(s) to let guests know what’s happening and leave the choice of how to engage up to the individual. Having a variety of options, and clearly communicating them, makes a more welcoming environment for all the different people who are gathered.
Our menu will include [list the specific foods]. You’re welcome to bring something different to add or to enjoy yourself.
This can be helpful information to provide prior to the gathering. Letting folks know what will be served helps alleviate anxiety for anyone who may have food allergies or simply not prefer a lot of typical “holiday foods.” Including that each guest is welcome to bring something leaves room for those who enjoy cooking to add to the meal, and also creates space for those with food sensitivities to engage with loved ones while having access to their preferred nourishment.
We’re going to take a moment to pause before eating. Feel free to silently pray, express gratitude, or look forward to the meal.
Lots of people enjoy praying before a holiday meal. Lots of people have no interest in praying. A statement such as this provides space for all the guests to prepare for the meal in the way they prefer – saying a prayer, silently expressing gratitude, or experiencing the anticipation of yummy food. You may even want to add a specific option related to the culture or beliefs of your guests. No one has to feel pressured to participate in something that doesn’t align for them, and there is freedom for those who may want to pray.
I’m sure a lot has happened in your life over the past year. I’d love to hear about some of it, if you want to share.
This statement expresses interest in the person you’re talking to and acknowledges that all kinds of things may have happened since you last saw them. It also provides an invitation, not a demand, for the person to share whatever they feel comfortable talking about.
Clearly communicating plans for the event can create an atmosphere of welcome, even before the gathering begins. Using statements that invite participation or conversation can help ensure no one feels pressure to talk openly about private matters or to interact in ways that are disingenuous for them.
Use these tips to help identify some of the things better left unsaid and some good alternatives for your own holiday interactions.
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
Sign-up for Michelle’s Monthly Email Newsletter to make sure you never miss a blog post