I’m excited to have my colleague, Dr. Brittany Bate (she), share from her experience and clinical expertise in this guest post. Dr. Bate is a licensed psychologist and the owner of Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting, a queer owned, trauma informed, neuroaffirming telehealth mental health practice serving clients across North Carolina. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ celebratory care, couples, family, and relationship therapy, and loves supporting individuals and families navigating identity and life transitions.
From Brittany…
When a child, family member, parent, or spouse comes out as LGBTQIA+, it can be a deeply meaningful and vulnerable moment. It is often rooted in trust and hope – hope that they will be seen, accepted, and loved. They are choosing to share something deeply personal and important about who they are, and are inviting you to know them fully.
For many parents, spouses, and family members, this moment can bring up a variety of emotions. Love. Pride. Fear. Confusion. Grief. Relief. Worry. And sometimes spiritual tension.
If you are reading this because someone you love has come out and you are trying to figure out how to respond, you are not alone. The fact that you are seeking information is already a powerful sign of care.
Start With Relationship, Not Resolution
You do not need to have all your thoughts sorted out immediately. You do not need to resolve every theological or cultural question overnight. What matters most in the early moments is protecting the relationship, as you continue to seek more information and figure out your own next steps.
Some helpful first responses include:
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “I love you.”
- “I am glad you trusted me.”
- “Help me understand what this means for you.”
Avoid debating, correcting, or minimizing. Even if you feel uncertain internally, your child needs to know they are safe with you. Research consistently shows that LGBTQIA+ youth who experience family acceptance have significantly lower rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide. Conversely, rejection or even subtle invalidation can increase mental health risks, especially for transgender and gender diverse youth.
Your response does not have to be perfect. It just needs to communicate love and safety, even if you are unsure, afraid for your family member, anxious, or still needing more information yourself.
What Support Actually Looks Like
Many parents ask, “What does it really mean to be supportive?”
Support can look like:
- Using your child’s name and pronouns, even if you are still adjusting.
- Correcting others gently if they misgender or mock your child.
- Avoiding jokes or comments that frame LGBTQIA+ identity as sinful, broken, or political.
- Listening more than you speak. Asking questions like, “What makes you feel most like yourself?” or “When did you last feel most yourself, or your best?”
- Making your home a place where your child does not have to brace themselves for negative feedback, criticism, or judgment.
You may not understand everything about sexual orientation or gender identity. You do not have to. You just need to create an environment where your loved one feels valued.
Getting Your Own Support When Faith Feels Complicated
For some families, the tension is not about love. It is about faith, upbringing, and beliefs.
I regularly work with parents who deeply love their child and are trying to reconcile that love with what they were taught in church, scripture, or their faith community. If that is part of your experience, it is important to say this clearly: wrestling with your theology does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a thoughtful one.
Here are a few steps that can help:
Separate Your Child From The Debate
Remembering that your child is a person you love, not a theological problem to solve. Try to keep your relationship with them separate from larger doctrinal questions.
Seek Education From Affirming Theological Voices
There are pastors, theologians, and Christian communities who hold a deep love of scripture alongside full affirmation of LGBTQIA+ identities. Expanding the voices you are listening to can open space for a more nuanced understanding of faith. Many faith leaders are open to and encourage conversations, and are ready to support you in your own growth and journey.
Get Support From Others – Never From Not Your Child
It is not your child’s job to process your spiritual conflict. Consider seeking your own therapist, spiritual director, or support group where you can ask hard questions honestly. It is fair for you to have big questions, strong emotions, and to be experiencing all of this at once. However, it is not fair to ask your child to be the one to help you with these, especially when there are other, better resources available!
Some helpful resources include:
- PFLAG Apex, which offers support and education for families of LGBTQIA+ individuals.
- Transforming Families is a Facebook Group and Support Space associated with the LGBT Center of Durham
- Michelle F. Moseley, LCMHC specializes in working with survivors of religious harm and with those questioning their beliefs. She provides trauma-responsive, spiritually-inclusive care for both LGBTQIA+ adults and those who love them. Learn more about her services in NC and schedule a free, virtual consultation to see if you think she might be a good fit for supporting your needs.
- BeBOLD Psychology and Consulting is a queer-owned mental health practice serving clients in Durham, North Carolina as well as virtually throughout North Carolina, Virginia, South Carolina, and in some cases 43+ PSYPACT states. Be BOLD offers individual, group, family, and relationship therapy and would be glad to hold a supportive space for LGBTQIA+ individuals as well as their family members who may have questions, be struggling with the intersection of religious doctrine and LGBTQIA+ identity, or simply wish to process through their own emotions in a safe space.
- Trinitas Services in Chapel Hill, which specializes in LGBTQIA+ issues, relationship therapy, and religious trauma. Two of their clinicians are ordained and queer, and their clinical intern holds a PhD in theology.
- The Beloved Community at The Trees in North Durham, an Episcopal community focused on healing from religious trauma. They offer free support groups, including a Parents, Families, and Friends of Queer Youth Support Group and both in person and virtual Religious Trauma Support Groups.
Knowing you have your own space to explore faith questions can improve your own coping and mental health, and reduce any pressure you might unintentionally place on your child.
How Not To Respond When Your LGBTQIA+ Child Comes Out To You
Even well meaning reactions can cause harm. And to be fair, we don’t know what we don’t know, and when emotions are high or we are feeling surprised, we sometimes say things that end up hurtful. However, here are a few things to try to avoid:
- Threatening withdrawal of financial, emotional, or spiritual support.
- Outing your child to others without their permission.
- Framing their identity as a phase or act of rebellion.
- Saying “I love you, but I cannot support this” or “I love the sinner but hate the sin.”
Conditional acceptance often feels like rejection, and can ultimately harm your child’s trust in you, their mental health, and your relationship.
This Is A Long Game
Supporting an LGBTQIA+ child or family member is not about one conversation. It is about building a relationship over time where they know they are safe, valued, and loved.
You may grow. They may grow. Your understanding may evolve. That is okay.
If you are in North Carolina and looking for additional support, Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting offers virtual therapy for LGBTQIA+ youth, adults, and parents navigating identity and faith related concerns. We also maintain a comprehensive Trans and Gender Diverse Resource Page for individuals and for families seeking affirming care, resources, and community.
Most importantly, remember this: love and curiosity will always serve your relationship better than fear or judgment. And your willingness to learn already says something powerful about your care and concern for your child.
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC (#12491). She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
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