How do you deal with the grief that often accompanies religious trauma? Many people are not expecting grief to be part of their experience of religious trauma. The grief can hit all at once or come in waves over time. Sometimes you may find yourself confused as to why you’re grieving something that caused you harm.
I’m Michelle F. Moseley, LCMHC, a licensed mental health counselor in North Carolina and a Religious Trauma Specialist. I have personal experience with spiritual abuse and religious trauma, and have spent more than a decade working with others who are recovering from the impacts of religious trauma. This has included supporting 100s of folks as they navigate their grief related to religious harm.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to any significant loss. Grief shows up as emotions like sadness, guilt, or numbness. Grief can show up in the body as exhaustion, headaches or body aches, or sleep issues. Grief can cause you to feel confused, to struggle to concentrate, or to find yourself continually replaying the experience in your mind.
Many religious trauma survivors come from religious contexts where they never learned how to deal with grief. You may have been told that there was no reason to grieve a loss here on earth because there was something better in eternity. You may have been offered scripture passages in response to your grief. Or perhaps you were grieving a loss that wasn’t even acknowledged within your religious context.
So, what is grief?
Understanding Grief
Have you heard of the “stages of grief?” This concept was introduced by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross back in the 1960s as a description of the emotional responses of those experiencing terminal illness. Kubler-Ross later said she wished she had not used the term “stages” because that sounds like grief is a linear process, which is not the case. Grief is often more like phases or cycles that may not proceed in a particular order and that often come back around at various times.
The “stages” identified by Kubler-Ross were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While it is important to remember this is not a prescriptive mandate for your experience of grief, it may be helpful to think about how each of these phases might apply to religious trauma.
- Denial – This might look like questioning your own experience, telling yourself that “it wasn’t that bad” or that “something is wrong with me” based on how your nervous system is responding.
- Anger – Sometimes this looks like frustration with the situation or organization. It may be directed toward a particular leader, abuser, or harmful doctrine. You may even experience anger directed at yourself for being a part of the group or for not being able to “handle the situation better.”
- Bargaining – In this phase, individuals may find themselves attempting to return to a church or group they have left. They are often hoping things will be different, and that a different experience will relieve the grief.
- Depression – This is the deep sadness that is often most associated with grief. Life may feel empty or meaningless. You may find yourself isolating or withdrawing from things you enjoy.
- Acceptance – In this phase, you are coming to terms with the reality of your experience and of what you have lost. You begin to move forward and carry the grief as a part of your story, but not the whole narrative.
Survivors of religious trauma may experience all of these phases, or only a few of them. The phases can come in any order, and you may find yourself cycling back through them at various points in your life.
For example, I spent many months denying the seriousness of what had happened to me and questioning why my nervous system and body were responding in the ways they were. I wanted to make sense of the chronic pain, the compromised immune system that meant I was always sick, the feelings of guilt, and the fear of entering a religious space. This phase also overlapped with intense sadness of depression, and was followed by some attempts at bargaining to get relief. Eventually, I found some acceptance, but still find myself experiencing the various phases of grief at different points in life.
Types of Grief
In the US, we don’t do a great job of understanding or honoring grief. There is rarely discussion of grieving things other than death (and even that is often limited). Yet, there are multiple types of losses that a person may experience in life, and a variety of types of grief that may come along with those losses.
Here are a few types of grief that may show up in the context of religious trauma:
COMPLICATED GRIEF. This is intense, long-lasting grief that impacts your daily life. Complicated grief generally lasts more than 6 months and interferes with your ability to engage with life.
CUMULATIVE GRIEF. When multiple losses happen within a short period of time, you may experience overwhelm and not be able to cope in the ways that previously worked for you. Religious trauma often includes multiple losses, and you may feel no longer able to rely on prayer or other coping mechanisms because of their connection to the losses.
DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF. This kind of grief occurs when the loss is not openly acknowledged or is not viewed as a valid loss within your greater community. For many religious trauma survivors who leave their religious group, the loss is not acknowledged because others view it as a choice.
TRAUMATIC GRIEF. Sudden, unexpected loss can lead to traumatic grief.
Some religious trauma survivors may resonate with only one of these types of grief. However, many survivors have experienced multiple types of grief, possibly even overlapping at the same time.
What are You Grieving?
You might be wondering how grief can be part of religious trauma. What are you actually grieving?
Grief can occur any time there is a loss. While the first type of loss that people often think of is death, loss can come in many forms.
Here are some of the losses that may accompany religious trauma:
- Loss of Identity – Who am I?
- Loss of Beliefs – What do I believe? How do I make sense of the world?
- Loss of Purpose – What are my goals? What guides my decisions?
- Loss of Community – How do I make friends? Where will I celebrate important days? Who do I call when I need help?
- Loss of Activities – What will I do with my time? How do I find new hobbies or groups?
- Loss of Vocation / Financial Stability – How do I understand my calling now? How will I pay my bills?
- Loss of Certainty – What if I was wrong then? What if I am wrong now?
One reason that religious trauma is so complex is because it can truly be tied to every part of a person’s life. Religion can shape how you understand the world and your place in it, who you believe yourself to be, how you relate to other people, and so much more. Experiencing harm within a religious context can overwhelm all of those areas of life – you no longer feel safe in your own skin and you don’t know how to cope because you’ve also lost trust in previous coping mechanisms such as prayer, attending services, or reading sacred texts.
Options for Grieving & Reclaiming
How do you navigate the grief? What does it look like to acknowledge grief as part of the experience of religious trauma? Is it possible to reclaim yourself and your life after so much loss?
ALLOW GRIEF TO EXIST. It can be tempting to ignore grief or to keep yourself distracted so you don’t have to feel the discomfort. Your grief is real and it is a response to the loss you have experienced. Acknowledge it and allow yourself to feel it.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Things like eating regularly, staying hydrated, moving your body, connecting with loved ones, or getting adequate sleep may not feel like they have anything to do with grief. However, grieving can be hard work. Your body and nervous system deserve to be taken care of.
THERAPY. Working with a licensed mental health therapist who understands religious trauma can be an important part of navigating your grief and choosing what you want your journey forward to look like. You can find therapists who work with religious trauma via the directories at Empathy Paradigm and Reclamation Collective. Here are some questions you might want to ask when looking for a religious trauma therapist.
SUPPORT GROUPS. Connecting with others who have experienced religious harm can be helpful in understanding your experience, including the grief. A few options for support include Reclamation Collective Virtual Support Groups and the monthly Trailside Chats hosted by Religious Trauma Network.
DISCOVER YOUR VALUES. Grief can cause you to feel overwhelmed and uncertain about what really matters to you. Some people find it helpful to intentionally explore their values – to consider which values are truly important to them and which ones may have been given to them by their religious group. Here are a couple virtual options for exploring your values: Option A and Option B. You may also find it helpful to talk through a values exploration with a trusted person, such as friend, partner, or therapist.
MAKE ROOM TO EXPLORE WHAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. You may be grieving some of the opportunities that you feel like you missed out on due to your religious involvement. You can make time to explore those things now. Curious about watercolor painting? Maybe there is a local class available. You weren’t allowed to play sports when you were younger? Check to see if there is an area rec league you can join. Were certain clothing options forbidden within your religious context? Allow yourself to try things on, maybe even let a new friend choose some options for you. Exploring those previously “off-limits” things can be an important part of honoring your grief of the past, as well reclaiming your present and future.
Want to Connect?
Are you looking to connect with a licensed therapist who understands religious trauma and the accompanying grief? I currently have openings for individual therapy in NC and keep an ongoing interest list for the religious trauma group that I facilitate. Check out my website and fill out a contact form to schedule a free, virtual consultation to see if we might be a good fit for working together.
The grief that accompanies religious harm is real and you don’t have to navigate it alone!
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC (#12491). She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
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