A short clip of a popular pastor in conservative, evangelical Christian circles recently made the internet rounds. In this clip, he states “deconstruction… and leaving the faith has become some sort of sexy thing to do.”
I am writing this as a licensed mental health counselor who has personal experience of spiritual abuse, deconstruction, and the healing work entailed in rebuilding a life after deconstructing. I have also spent thousands of hours working with with folks who are walking through their own deconstruction and healing. There is nothing sexy about this path!
It is painful. It often means that your worldview crumbles and you feel abandoned by your community. You may find yourself questioning everything you ever felt was certain, longing to find purpose in life. There is grief in the process, so much grief and loss. And, more often than not, the path is complicated and winding and you find yourself weary from the struggle.
In my experience, the majority of people who deconstruct were entirely committed to their faith. They were the leaders, the servants, the people who always showed up and were available to help. They were studying the Scriptures faithfully, focusing on prayer and connection with God on a daily basis.
Why is this important in the context of deconstruction? Because you only need to take the time to deconstruct something that is a part of your essence as a person. Otherwise, when it’s just about something you do once a week or once in a while, you don’t have to deconstruct because you just walk away.
Words Matter
Let me share some vocabulary with you so we’re all on the same page. Reclamation Collective and the Religious Trauma Institute helped contribute to the definitions I’m sharing here.
Deconstruction
The process of evaluating one’s belief system and worldview. This process often begins when you’re confronted with something that doesn’t make sense within the context of your experience. The process of deconstructing beliefs can lead to altering those beliefs, or your worldview as a whole.
Deconversion
The process of no longer claiming the religious beliefs or identity you once held. For some folks, deconversion is the outcome of their deconstruction; however, that is not true for everyone.
Adverse Spiritual Experience
Any experience of religious belief, practice, or structure that undermines an individual’s sense of safety or autonomy. The experience may negatively impact their physical, social, emotional, relational, or psychological well-being.
Spiritual Abuse
The conscious or unconscious use of power to direct, control, or manipulate another’s body, thoughts, emotions, actions, or capacity for choice, freedom, or autonomy of self, within a spiritual or religious context.
Spiritual/Religious Trauma
The physical, emotional, or psychological response to spiritual/religious beliefs, practices, or structures that overwhelm an individual’s ability to cope and return to a sense of safety. Trauma is about the response of your nervous system, not the specifics of the experience. If your ability to cope and feel safe was overwhelmed, that’s trauma.
You Don’t Have to Walk Your Path Alone
No, deconstruction is not sexy. It is emotionally exhausting and often feels lonely. And, contrary to what the aforementioned pastor said, deconstruction does not always mean leaving faith. It can mean finding a new way to incorporate faith into your life.
You don’t have to walk the path alone. Whether you are beginning to recognize some adverse religious experiences you’ve had or have been in the process of deconstructing your beliefs for a while, I would be honored to support you in your journey. I offer both individual and group counseling for religious trauma to adults (18+) located in NC. I am committed to respecting your autonomy and choice in determining where your path leads, whether that may include deconversion, staying within your faith tradition, or another outcome altogether. My role is to listen to you, believe your experience, and support you in determining the healthiest path forward you.
You are invited to contact me if you find yourself resonating with any of this language or discussion. I’m happy to chat with you briefly, answer any questions about my approach, and determine if it might be a good fit for us to work together. Having a supportive therapist was integral in my own healing from religious trauma, and a huge part of my desire for you to have the supportive space you deserve.
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
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