If you haven’t read my posts about the “too much” messages folks get from childhood, adolesence, religion, and/or relationships, you may want to check those out before reading this one.
Messages of being “too much” are everywhere. The previous posts in this series include examples of how people say things directly to let you know they think you’re “too much”, as well as how the message of being “too much” can also show up nonverbally. The lingering effects of these “too much” messages can affect folks in a variety of ways, from the physical to the mental/emotional to the relational.
Physical Effects
Messages of being “too much” can influence how we view our physical bodies and even cause issues with connecting with your bodily experience. This is true for messages that are directly related to your body – things about size, shape, or how you present yourself – as well as other “too much” messages.
What are some ways that those “too much” messages show up physically? Struggles with body image – difficulty looking at your body or believing your body is worthy of care and respect. Harming your body – disordered eating, self-harm such as cutting, forcing your body to contort to fit into certain clothing, skin picking or hair pulling. Clothing choices – limiting yourself to what others have deemed “appropriate” or what you believe will best allow you to blend in. Difficulty connecting with your body – not noticing bodily sensations of pain or pleasure, unwillingness or inability to experience sexual pleasure.
If you have gotten the message that your body is “too much”, it makes sense that you would have uncertainty related to your physical being and do whatever you can to be “just enough.”
Mental/Emotional Effects
Your mental and emotional well-being are also affected by those “too much” messages. You may constantly question your right to show up, to take part in things, believing your true self is not enough. You may be dealing with anxiety – analyzing every interaction, constant worrying about many different things, fear of how others might view you. You may find yourself avoiding social interactions due the fear surrounding being “too much.” Sadness and depression can also be the result of continually questioning if who you are is enough to be welcome and wanted in a space.
You may even describe yourself as numb, not really able to identify how you’re feeling. You may be exhausted from exerting the energy to ‘hold it all together.’ Or you might find yourself increasingly irritable with others at the slightest disruption. If the “too much” messages you’ve received throughout life focused on the intensity of your emotions, it makes sense you would have difficulty allowing yourself to experience your emotions without being overwhelmed by that experience.
Relational Effects
The messages we have internalized about who we are show up in how we relate to others. You may find yourself conforming to others – deferring to whatever type of food your partner likes, watching movies that terrify you because you don’t want to be seen as “too scared.” You may find it difficult to be in relationship with yourself – to sit quietly with your own thoughts, experiences, and opinions – because those “too much” messages are so loud in your mind. Maybe you are even questioning who you are based on all the messages you’ve internalized since childhood.
The “too much/ not enough” battle also shows up as fear abandonment in relationships. Belief that your true self does not deserve to be in relationship with someone can lead to deep feelings of fear that the person will leave you. This can manifest as a push/pull in the relationship – acting in a way that makes your need and desire for the person known, and just as quickly acting in ways that push them away. All the while wrestling with your own desire to show up just as you are and be fully known and accepted.
Sound Familiar?
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you find yourself having lingering questions about your worthiness? Wondering if you’re too much? Questioning if you’re enough?
Are you able to fully show up in your own life, or do you find that you shrink yourself in some way? Maybe you don’t share your thoughts and opinions. Maybe you’re a people pleaser, always concerned with attempting to ensure others are happy. Maybe you shrink yourself by not sharing your knowledge or talents with the world. Maybe you attempt to literally shrink yourself by following strict eating plans.
You believe that if you somehow manage to take up less space (literally and/or metaphorically), others can’t say you’re “too much.” Yet you’re left pondering if you’ll ever be enough.
If any of this resonates with you, and you’re interested in working with a licensed mental health professional regarding how the “too much / not enough” dynamic shows up in your life, I welcome you to contact me. I am happy to chat with you, and help you take the next steps to getting support along your journey.
Michelle F. Moseley is a licensed clinical mental health counselor providing telehealth services in the state of North Carolina. She specializes in providing support for folks who struggle with feeling they are “too much”, yet worry they are not enough. She works from a trauma-informed perspective, and believes that ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and to feel heard. Learn more about Michelle by visiting www.MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
