Shifts in your spiritual beliefs and practices can impact your relationship with your partner. This is especially true if you find that you and a partner no longer align in core beliefs.
I have invited Josh Kellar, LMFT, LPC to share some of his expertise on how to handle these shifts in beliefs and the impact that can have on a partnership. Josh practices out of Temple, TX and is the founder of Therapist Collective. He has been working with couples and families for 20 years, and is trained in both Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotion-Focused Therapy.
Read on for what Josh has to share about experiencing a “Holy Shift!”
A couple I was treating in my therapy practice was really struggling because for years they had been faithfully serving together in their church and everything had started to change. He claimed he could not really even identify what started it all – a facebook reel, a sermon he disagreed with, a conversation he had with a friend expressing his doubts. The shift was slow at first but once a few key things began to be questioned, the cascade began. Soon it felt to her that absolutely nothing was sacred anymore – literally. She began to feel that he was a completely different person than she married.
So they sat in my office hurt over not feeling known by each other, bitter over promises they felt had been broken, lost as to how to move forward.
When the foundations of a relationship feel unstable because one partner has gone through a shift like the one described, it can seem as if there is nothing you have in common. You might begin to wonder if there is anything that can still be salvaged from the relationship. Even talking about it is a challenge because it only sheds more light on the differences that exist. Change does that. It amplifies the difference that is happening and the common ground gets minimized.
Couples who are trying to move through either one or both of them deconstructing in their faith might feel that the changes are too much. With a little help, though, the emphasis can shift and new clarity can be found in what remains shared between them. At the heart of these desires, there’s usually something that both partners can get behind and it can serve to rally them back towards having a purpose together.
So how can a couple arrive at this kind of clarity?
First – Look Inward
What is it that you are really wanting for yourself? Often with deconstructing individuals they want to feel free to ask difficult questions. They want to be able to “go there” on topics that were once off limits without feeling shamed for simply wondering. Perhaps they want to be able to live true to the version of themselves that is emerging but are hesitant to follow through because it is such a big change.
For people whose partners are shifting in their faith, I’ve found what they want for themselves is stability. The change is rocking their world and nothing feels secure anymore. They may also feel betrayed so they want to be able to trust again. They may want to be assured that they can still carry on with their faith without it being belittled or ridiculed. Continued support is important.
During transitions like this, getting clear on what you want for yourself is super important. If you don’t know what you want for yourself, your partner is going to have an incredibly difficult time meeting your needs.
Second – Find Empathy
Empathy is non-possessive warmth toward another person. If the relationship between you and your partner is changing, empathy will help you to truly see them while at the same time recognizing that it is not your job to change them. Empathy will also allow you to be honest about what you hope for your partner. You might hope that they come back to their faith. You might hope that they loosen up in their faith. These hopes are not right or wrong but they cannot be forced on each other. When we are able to have empathy with our person that might be driving us bonkers in how they are interacting with us we can hold loosely our hopes for them and avoid them turning into expectations.
Thirdly – Come Back to “We”
So often couples dwell on “you” statements. “You don’t even care about what you’re doing to our family!” “You think this is easy for me?” “Why can’t you just ______ for once.” These types of thoughts only create division. When we come back to “we,” what happens is a vision for our relationship can develop instead of the vision against our relationship that we’ve gotten used to.
A good sentence starter to think about coming back to “we” is, “What I’d really like for us that we’d be able to _______.” Notice the emphasis is not on the other person or oneself but rather on the vision of we-ness. Couples who are able to create a vision for themselves can arrive at a place where nothing is off-limits to talk about. When “we” know how “we” want to respond to each other “we” make agreements that “we” know work better for “us.” As often as the language can shift back to “we” the togetherness of the relationship is reinforced.
By following these three steps what emerges is a list of desires, hopes and dreams. Courageous couples can choose to share these lists with each other and they might even find that there’s a lot in common between their lists. Wherever a desire, hope or dream is shared, there’s now something solid on which to build a new foundation.
For couples where there have been faith shifts, this new foundation may look different from before. Different can feel uncomfortable. Even so, being able to honor what each other desires, hopes and dreams for could potentially be a stabilizing force that draws you closer to each other even through conflict. Have courage to take that inner look, have empathy towards your partner and come back to the “we” of your relationship. You might find that there’s more alignment than you realize.
Thanks to Josh for sharing some thoughts on how to handle this misalignment you might feel as your faith (or the faith of your partner) shifts.
If you find yourself needing support to navigate your own shifts in spiritual beliefs or the impact those shifts may have on close relationships, please reach out to a trained professional. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NC, and a Registered Telehealth Provider in FL. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
