“It’s the same playbook!”  

I recently found myself saying this during a discussion regarding an ongoing incident among folks within the exvangelical community.  

First, some backstory for those who may not be aware.  The word “exvangelical” is commonly used to describe folks who no longer identify with evangelical Christianity, often due to problematic dogma and behavior patterns they’ve seen there.  Many of these individuals continue to believe in Jesus and may still identify as Christians.  

Exvangelicals often miss the community aspect of their previous churches/ministries and have found various ways to connect with one another, including online spaces.  One of those online spaces, which I have been peripherally aware of over the past few years, is known as The New Evangelicals (TNE).  This platform began as one white man who experienced the pain of being rejected by his own church due to some shifting beliefs, sharing his thoughts on Instagram.  It’s grown into a much larger community and became a non-profit with a Board of Directors about 2-ish years ago.  That same white man has continued to be the face of the group, which has also included a Facebook group and several podcasts.  

Last week, it came to light that TNE had initiated an investigation by GRACE – an organization that performs in-depth investigations to help Christian groups recognize, prevent, and respond to abuse – regarding some behavior within TNE.  The report of GRACE’s findings is very thorough and is 94 pages long (you can find it here).  

The report describes the information provided by all parties involved, including the person who initially claimed being harmed, the founder of TNE, and some Board members.  There is acknowledgement that some misconduct occurred and that some concerning patterns of behavior were noted.  The report then offers recommendations for ways to deal with the harm already done and prevent future harm.  

This post is not solely about this current situation with TNE, but this background is important in recognizing how harmful systems can continue even in new contexts.  When it’s the same playbook, the impact doesn’t change!  

Not Deconstructing the Systems of Power

“Deconstruction” is another word that is commonly used by (and about) those who have left a particular faith or religious tradition.  Deconstruction is the process of examining and reconsidering beliefs, practices, and worldviews that one previously held.  This process may lead to shifts and changes in those beliefs, practices, and worldviews.  

It is not uncommon for someone who deconstructs the beliefs, practices, and worldviews of one group to find themselves later connected to strong beliefs, practices, and worldviews of another group.  However, when this occurs without further examination of the foundations and systems that contributed to the issues within the first group, the same foundational and systemic issues are likely to be present in other groups the individual finds themself connected to.  

One example of this can be found in the impacts of patriarchy within many high-control religions.  “Patriarchy” describes any system or group where men hold the power and women are generally excluded from roles of influence and/or decision-making.  Many high-control groups (including those that have no religious connection) are built on this type of hierarchy – only men are able to be leaders, men ultimately make the decisions, men are the face and voice of the group.  When the foundations and impacts of this male-dominated culture are not examined and intentionally challenged, the pattern continues.  Only men lead.  The new group continues to miss out on the benefits of allowing a variety of folks to hold positions of authority or power.  The same issues and abuses continue to occur.  

The name of the group may change.  The focus of the people may shift.  Yet, the playbook remains the same.    

No True Apology

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”  

“That wasn’t my intention.”  

“We’re [like] family.  It’s important to forgive and move on.”  

These and other similar statements are often the response when wrongdoing or harm is pointed out within high-control groups.  Yet, none of these include an actual apology.  These statements shift focus / blame to the person who has been hurt or harmed.  Statements like these avoid any consideration of the impact of words or actions.  The focus on “moving on” doesn’t allow for repair in the relationship.  

A true apology is based on listening to the description of how one’s words or actions impacted another person.  The apology acknowledges that impact and the person owns their role in the incident.  In the best scenarios, there is then discussion of how to move forward in a way that decreases the likelihood of more hurt and harmful impacts.  This may include things like:  learning more about a particular topic, engaging in therapy to address personal issues that are contributing to the harmful words/actions, or allowing others to take the lead in certain areas.  

True apologies are not a present in contexts where abuses of power and control are happening.  The playbook doesn’t allow for those in leadership roles to acknowledge their humanity and role in harmful impacts on others.  The playbook relies on the leader maintaining power and being, in many senses, untouchable.  The group dynamics operate in a manner that protects this dynamic.  

Focus on Protecting the Status Quo

Groups, particularly high-control groups, don’t like for things to be shaken up.  The only changes these groups may be open to are the ones initiated by the leader(s).  These changes are generally focused on what is best for the leader(s) and their power or legacy, rather than on what might be most beneficial for the greater community.  

This focus on protecting the status quo of the leader(s) and the group dynamic can take many forms, including:

• Ignoring complaints or reports of harm by members or former members of the group.
• Not disclosing things happening behind the scenes in order to protect the leader.
• Making excuses for the behaviors of leaders or those who are the “face” of the organization.
• Micro-managing the ways that words are used to describe events / behaviors.  
• Doubling down on support of the leader, despite known misconduct or abuses of power.  

The playbook teaches how to organize a group and U.S. culture has made the presence of a charismatic leader more important than ever.  There is lots of focus on finding and protecting the person in that role, but folks have to look outside the playbook to figure out how to handle issues in leadership well.  

Ongoing Harm 

The dynamics of power, control, and influence that are foundational to high-control groups can show up in the ways that reports of abuse are handled.  This happens even within groups that emphasize being different in the ways they operate.  Often, when someone experiences an abusive or harmful interaction (or multiple interactions) and eventually notifies others of the harm, they are met with denial of their report or accusations of causing the harm to themselves.  

We have seen time and time again the ways this occurs in churches where beloved pastors have raped or sexually assaulted church members.  The victim often keeps silent at first for fear of retaliation.  If the victim does bring the matter forward, they are frequently interrogated about their behavior and clothing choices, or told they must’ve wanted to be in a relationship with the pastor.  The victim may be given incentives to leave quietly and “not ruin the pastor’s life / family / ministry.”  

This often happens all behind-the-scenes and folks within the church / group never know exactly what went on.  If the pastor does make any kind of public statement about the abuse, it often sounds like, “I’ve struggled with sexual temptation and need your prayers.”  Generally, the pastor maintains his position, and those in the church often even rally around him and congratulate him for sharing his “struggle.”  

There is no real apology.  The pastor doesn’t own their behavior, but softens it with word choice about “struggles.”  There is no plan for ensuring the pastor is held accountable for his actions and that the victim is provided an opportunity for access to non-church support in healing.  Frequently, those within the church / group continue to discuss the events in ways that disparage the victim and uplift the pastor.  The specific roles or abuses may be different within groups in the exvangelical space, but all too often, the harm continues.  

Changing the Playbook

The only way to create a community that offers a substantially different experience than that found in high-control religious contexts is to change the playbook.  

Benjamin Faye (@heytherebenji on IG) recently provided some helpful language around this process.  He discussed how many folks who leave evangelical churches or spaces do so because their life, beliefs, or worldview have been demolished, often by the church itself.  They then enter other spaces outside of the evangelical church in an attempt to recover from the demolition, yet they have never actually gone through the process of deconstructing the infrastructure and systems that build the foundation of problems and abuses within high-control religious spaces.  

How can you be proactive in changing the playbook in your own life and the spaces you occupy?

• Engage in active deconstruction and reclamation.  Deconstructing something means taking it apart and considering the pieces that helped build it in the first place.  It is important and healthy to do this with beliefs, practices, and worldviews throughout life.  It can also be important to continue the process into a space of reconstruction or reclamation in order to have beliefs, practices, and a worldview that guide your navigation through the world.
• Ask questions and think critically about things.  Being curious, asking questions, and thinking critically about things are active parts of deconstruction.  Questioning and critical thinking set humans apart from much of the animal kingdom.  Avoiding questions and critical thinking can lead us to some scary places where others control our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.  Not allowing questions or critical thinking is a sign of a high-control group, where various types of abuse may flourish.  
• Never stop learning.  Curiosity, questioning, and seeking information is not a one-time thing.  Continue to learn so you can continue to grow as a person and within your community (religious or otherwise).
• Intentionally seek out voices unlike yourself.  It’s easy to find an echo chamber of folks who look similar to you, share many characteristics with you, and tend to hold the same viewpoints as you.  This is dangerous because it keeps us all from hearing and understanding how various aspects of life impact people with different identities.  Seeking to hear from folks who are unlike yourself – in race, gender, sexuality, socio-economic status, life experience, etc. – helps you develop compassion for the humanity found in each of us.  Listening to others can also help highlight why certain words, actions, or rules are harmful to some (even if they are not harmful to you).  
• Avoid denying or downplaying reports of abuse.  When someone tells you they were harmed, believe them.  Just because the person they say harmed or abused them has always seemed nice to you doesn’t mean the statements are a lie.  The most supportive and compassionate thing you can do when someone shares an experience of harm or abuse with you is listen.  Do not attempt to downplay it, tell them to pray about it, seek to defend the abuser, or jump right in with feedback or solutions.  Just listen.  Then, there may be room to ask what the person needs or how they would like to be supported.  

Only through intentional action will the playbook change, allowing for the existence of groups and spaces where abuse is less likely and is appropriately handled.  

Resources

The following are some resources for support in understanding more about harm in religious spaces, working through your own deconstruction and reclamation, and finding support if you are healing from your own experience of spiritual abuse or religious trauma.  

Bodies Behind the Bus podcast – This podcast (found wherever you listen to podcasts) focuses on the stories of survivors of spiritual abuse.  Listening to a few of these episodes highlights the playbook that is part of so many experiences of abuse of power within religion.  This episode – Community, Accountability, and Care (posted 3/21/25) –  in particular offers a nuanced view of the recent harm highlighted in the exvangelical community.  

All The Buried Women podcast – This 5-part podcast miniseries looks at the ways the largest Protestant denomination in the US (Southern Baptists) have strategically worked to silence and harm women over the past 5 decades.  Some readers may resonate with this podcast based on their own experiences, while others may gain understanding of how ongoing harm can lead to folks exiting their faith / church / denomination.

Reclamation Collective Support Groups – These 10-week support groups are offered at various times throughout the year, and provide an opportunity to work through your own deconstruction and reclamation with a group of others who have been harmed.  There are various groups offered, including ones open to all and ones that are geared toward specific identities (for example, queer, BIPOC, women, therapists, etc.)  The specific offerings vary each season.

Therapy – Working with a therapist who understands spiritual abuse and religious trauma can allow you to understand, heal, and move forward in your journey.  I provide both individual and group counseling to folks located in North Carolina who are navigating experiences of spiritual or religious harm.  You can contact me here to schedule a free consultation to see if we might be a good fit to work together.  For those not in NC, you can check out the following directories for options of therapists who work with religious trauma:  Reclamation Collective Therapist Directory, Empathy Paradigm Therapist Directory

If you are one of the many people who have been hurt, saddened, angered, or harmed by watching the recent turmoil in the exvangelical space, I resonate with you and hope you are able to find community and support that is safe enough for you to navigate through these waters.  

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Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self.  You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle 

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