Spirituality is an area of deep intimacy and vulnerability for many folks. This can take a variety of forms, from structured religious gatherings to solo treks in nature. Many folks whose spiritual journey has included more structured settings have received messages of being “too much.”
These messages may have come from a variety of sources, but some common threads are what is received from religious leaders, from implicit or explicit gender roles within the group, and from the sacred texts read within the group. Based on my personal experience and my work with those who have survived spiritual or religious trauma, the “too much” messages received in those contexts have great power in creating the belief that you are not enough.
From Leaders
Imagine you’ve connected with a religious group. You find yourself drawn toward their beliefs and you want to understand more, so you ask questions. At first, those questions are met with excitement and willingness on the part of leaders to examine the topics with you. That is, until you bring up a seeming contradiction or express your doubts about how some teaching could be true. You may no longer get a response from the leaders, or they may tell you that you need to have more faith. You get the message that you’re “too curious, too lacking in belief.”
You’ve been part a particular faith group since childhood, and you’ve always heard that a certain other group of people was not as ‘good.’ This assumption might be based on their religious beliefs, or race, or music style, or sexuality. Regardless, ‘those people’ are bad. Until one day you find yourself chatting with one of ‘those people’ – your math tutor is a different race, you find yourself chatting at a social event with someone from that other belief system, the person who stops to help you when your car won’t start is accompanied by their same gender partner. And you realize your group has taken issue with a concept, without recognizing the humanity of ‘those people.’ You’re left with an internal battle because to welcome these new ideas and relationships is to be “too worldly.”
From Gender Roles
You’ve heard multiple talks or sermons or seminars from leaders about how each of us has inidividual talents, and how we are called to use those gifts and talents to serve within our religious group. There’s just one problem. You’re talents and interests don’t align with the expected gender roles in your faith group. You’re a woman who is gifted in teaching, but that’s seen as being “too vocal.” You’re a man who loves cooking and wants to help with community meals, but that’s seen as “too feminine.”
Within many faith traditions, gender has historically, and often still is, seen as a distinct binary. Folks who don’t fit within those narrow parameters recive a multitude of messages of being “too much.”
Men may get messages that they are “too passive” if they communicate without aggression, or “too sensitive” if they express their emotions. Women may be told they’re “too strong-spirited” if they are vocal about a cause, or “too independent” if they are not focused on finding a mate. In many religious groups, a focus on sexual purity leads to men getting the message they are “too weak” to control themselves and women getting the message that they are “too tempting” to allow themselves to fully show up in spaces.
For those who do not fit within this binary, who find themselves somewhere else along a spectrum of gender, all the messages may be absorbed. Regardless of passions, actions, or characteristics, you’re going to be “too much” of something in this narrow view of gender.
From Scripture
Imagine your faith group is committed to a literal reading of a sacred text within that tradition. In some circles of Christianity, there is this type of literal view of the Bible. You may hear/read on a regular basis that you are sinful, so bad (even from birth) that a perfect being had to die to pay a debt caused by your badness. There is a clear message that you are “too wretched” as you are. And, for some, this message can have some detrimental effects on mental health.
Another common message within some Christian circles is that your heart is “deceitful” based on a verse in Jeremiah, one of the portions of the Old Testament. This belief lends itself to teachings of not being able to trust yourself, which can lead to disconnection from your own passions and intution. In some ways, the idea of a “deceitful heart” is the ultimate message of being “too human.”
Sound Familiar?
Do some of these messages sound familiar? Perhaps you have been part of a faith-based group where one of the scenarios above had an impact on how you view yourself. You may be struggling with questioning yourself, allowing yourself to take up space in the world. You may be wrestling with how to maintain your faith while shedding some of the painful messages. You may be trying to figure out your identity if you are no longer commited to your faith group.
If you resonate with any of these types of messages from religious/spiritual contexts, I invite you to contact me regarding working together to address how this affects you. You may also be interested in one of the support groups offered by Reclamation Collective, including the one I will be leading during the spring of 2022 for women who are survivors of spiritual abuse.
I believe that religious and spiritual trauma is very real. In my role as a counselor, it is not my place to control your faith journey, but to support you in wherever your journey may take you. I understand and respect deep commitment to one’s beliefs, and will never tell you what your spirituality should include. If you have questions about what working with me might look like, please contact me.
This is part three of a multi-part series on how the messages of being “too much” can impact our lives. Read more about messages from childhood and messages from adolescence, and stay tuned for the rest of the series.
Disclaimer: While these examples are based on common themes I hear in my work as a mental health counselor, please know they are not the direct story or experience of any one client.
Michelle F. Moseley is a licensed clinical mental health counselor providing telehealth services in the state of North Carolina. She specializes in providing support for folks who struggle with feeling they are “too much”, yet worry they are not enough. She works from a trauma-informed perspective, and believes that ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and to feel heard. Learn more about Michelle by visiting www.MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle