The teen years can be difficult for both an adolescent and the adults who care about them. Teenagers are experiencing physical changes, awakening to sexual interests, developing their own opinions, beliefs and identity, considering future plans, and navigating social interactions. All of this may be occurring while also trying to balance academics, extracurricular activities, and family relationships. That is a lot to maneuver, particularly when considering that the portion of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) which assists in balancing reason with emotion is not yet fully developed until around age 25. How can parents and other caregivers assist adolescents in navigating these challenging, but exciting years?

Family Time

Despite what your teen may say, they often desire to maintain connection with family. Make an effort to include them in making decisions about family time. Perhaps allow them to choose the activity as an opportunity to share their interests with you. Consider their schedules and preferences when making family plans. For example, they may not appreciate a family outing on Friday evening if they enjoy attending football games with their friends. It’s important to allow them to be part of the discussion without making judgements of their choices and preferences.

Pick Your Battles

Adults and teens do not always see eye-to-eye. It is important to allow adolescents the opportunity to express themselves and explore their values. Parents can provide a safe place for this exploration. Take some time to consider your willingness to allow your teen to have freedom in things such as changing their hair color, expressing themselves with clothing, or following a vegetarian diet. Identify the areas you would consider as non-negotiable – perhaps academic efforts, faith involvement, holiday traditions, or use of social media – and focus your attention there. Allowing your teen freedom in other areas may decrease the discord in the areas about which you care most.

Listen

Teens are capable of critical thinking and many have active thought lives. You can build a stronger relationship with your teen by listening with a focus on understanding your teen’s thoughts and opinions, rather than a focus on responding to them and defending your own positions. Teens often share the most important statements amidst the seemingly mundane. They are keenly aware of others’ verbal and nonverbal responses, often shutting down when they sense they are being judged or attacked. Avoid “I’m right because I’m the adult” thinking and seek to hear what your teen is saying. When you’re not sure what they mean, ask with curiosity and allow them to offer their own insight.

Establish Boundaries

Boundaries provide a sense of safety for people. So, even though you may receive pushback from a teen regarding boundaries, establishing and sticking to boundaries is important. A clearly stated boundary allows teens to know what is expected and what will occur if the boundary is not respected. Remember, testing boundaries is often a part of typical teen development. Teens need to know what the expectations are, as well what the consequences will be if they cross the boundary. It is most helpful to have consequences that naturally relate to the boundary. For example, if you state that social media apps are not to be used after 9pm, and your teen crosses that boundary, a natural consequence could be that they lose access to phones/laptops at 9pm for a specified amount of time.

Remember, if a boundary and consequence are stated and not enforced, the teen faces uncertainty in what to expect and how to behave. This may increase your teen’s tendency to test the limits in an effort to determine what truly matters. In other words, don’t make threats of consequences that you are not willing and able to enforce.

Be Open To Talking with a Professional

Your teen may benefit from speaking to a trustworthy adult who can help them sort through the challenges of adolescence and provide them a safe space to talk about their life. This may be an adult friend of the family, a teacher or coach, a spiritual leader, or a licensed mental health professional. When working with a teen, I make sure to discuss confidentiality with both the teen and their parents/guardians. I want to ensure the adults that they will be informed about anything related to safety, and that I will work with their teen to help facilitate more open communication if that fits with the teen’s / family’s goals. I also ensure my teen clients that I will not be reporting everything they share to the adults in their lives, as it’s important they are able to be open in talking about their concerns. I offer opportunities to discuss confidentiality at my first session with a teen and their family, and continually throughout our time working together. I also collaborate with both the adults and the teen to determine how to best use our time working together.

Wondering if you or your teen might benefit from talking with a mental health professional? You may be concerned that your teen has mental health conccerns or substance use issues that would be best addressed by a licensed professional. Your family may benefit from learning skills to navigate current challenges. You may desire to speak with a licensed professional about your own mental health concerns and how that may be affecting your relationship with your teen. Speaking with a licensed mental health professional can offer needed support and assist you with these and many other concerns.

I work with teens (ages 15+) and their families to provide a space for the teen to share their thoughts and work through their concerns, while helping the adults navigate the complexities of adolescence. I have experience working with teens dealing with social anxiety, depression, difficulty communicating with family members, exploration of personal identity, and a variety of other concerns. If this sounds like something that may benefit you and your family, I invite you to contact me to further discuss your needs.

Michelle F. Moseley is a licensed clinical mental health counselor providing telehealth services in the state of North Carolina. She specializes in providing support for folks who struggle with feeling they are “too much”, yet worry they are not enough. She works from a trauma-informed perspective, and believes that ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and to feel heard. Learn more about Michelle by visiting www.MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle

**A previous version of this post has appeared in the Health and Wellness section of The Sanford Herald.**