Autistic individuals often struggle with forming and maintaining relationships. In fact, part of the criteria for Autism includes that the person has challenges related to “social communication and social interaction.” Why do Autistic people struggle with relationships based on neuronormative standards?
I’m Michelle F. Moseley, LCMHC, a licensed mental health counselor and late-identified Autistic woman who helps many Autistic folks navigate the challenges they experience in relating to others.
Understanding Autism
Autism (known as Autism Spectrum Disorder in the DSM-5-TR) is a specific neurotype, or way of learning, processing, and interacting with the world. Autism is present from birth, with signs often presenting in toddlerhood, although they may be missed depending on how they show up. The main criteria for Autism include that an individual experiences challenges in social interaction and communication, prefers predictability and routine, utilizes patterns or behaviors to self-regulate, and has intense special interests.
Autism is what’s known as a dynamic disability. This means that the challenges an Autistic person is having or the ways they interact with the world can look very different at different times or in varying circumstances. For example, I am most regulated and able to focus when lighting is low and the temperature is cool. Put me in a room that is warm and stuffy with bright, fluorescent lighting and I’m spending lots of energy on regulating my experience. That makes listening, engaging, and responding much more difficult.
Neuronormative Standards
The challenges in social interaction and communication found in Autism are referred to as “deficits” in the DSM. This is based on what is known as neuronormative standards – the social and cultural standards of a particular location, group, and/or time period. A way of interacting that may be accepted within one context may be seen as a “deficit” within another context.
This helps explain one reason why an Autistic person who may appear withdrawn in many social contexts seems to come alive when interacting with another Autistic person. This individual may be excitedly sharing knowledge, interacting with an ease that is not experienced in other contexts. When the standards for communication and interaction shift, the entire relational experience can change.
Possible Reasons for Relational Struggles
Several things can contribute to the challenges an Autistic person may have in relationships. The following list addresses a few of the most common reasons, particularly for Autistic folks who generally have lower support needs.
Masking
“Masking” refers to the efforts that an Autistic person may make in order to fit in with a group or social setting. This can include scripting conversations beforehand, mimicking others’ behaviors or ways of talking, actively suppressing interests, or attempting to force oneself to engage in ways that don’t come naturally. Masking often includes suppressing behaviors or use of comfort items that would be helpful for self-regulation.
Some Autistic folks consciously mask, while others are less conscious of doing so. Many late-identified Autistic folks have utilized masking techniques to survive social situations for so long that it can be difficult to know what is actually them and what is the mask. Choices around masking are also influenced by a person’s intersecting identities – for example, a cisgender, white man working in a data-driven field will likely feel less pressure to mask than a Black woman who is navigating social relationships with non-Autistic peers.
How does masking impact relationships? Eventually the mask slips. Maybe it happens after knowing someone for a period of time and starting to feel more comfortable with them. Or it may happen during a period of exhaustion or burnout. Sometimes the mask is even removed by choice because the cost of masking has become too high.
This can be difficult for a non-Autistic person to understand. The shift in conversation style or behavior may feel unexpected or disruptive. Unmasking is often met with judgement or exclusion, rather than curiosity. This contributes to the struggles an Autistic person may have with relationships, leaving them feeling that they must either hide who they are or be rejected by others.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)
Many Autistic people (and some other neurodivergent folks) deal with the experience of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD. RSD includes having intense emotional, and sometimes physical, pain in reaction to real or perceived rejection. This pain can feel unbearable, leading to unexpected outbursts or internal shame and despair. An individual with RSD has difficulty differentiating situations of active dislike or disapproval from those of a more neutral nature.
RSD can be a reason that Autistic folks struggle with relationships. If every disagreement, odd facial expression, or missed social cue lands in the nervous system as rejection and then causes intense emotional pain, navigating social interactions is extraordinarily complex! Feelings of rejection may cause the Autistic individual to withdraw, to berate themselves, or to believe they are not worthy of being in relationship with others.
Sensory Differences / Sensitivities
One of the characteristics of Autism outlined in the DSM is differences in sensory experiences and preferences. It is common for Autistic folks to have increased sensitivity (as compared to the general population) in at least one sensory area. This may mean that sounds feel physically painful and wearing headphones is helpful. An Autistic individual may feel overwhelmed in crowded spaces, and is best able to interact when engaging with 1-2 people in an open environment. Sensory sensitivities may also mean that certain places or activities are off-limits because of the impact on an individual’s nervous system.
For an Autistic person to have successful relationships that don’t require being overwhelmed by sensory input all the time requires that the other person is willing to make some adjustments. This could mean turning down the lights when you’re together, choosing restaurants that are familiar and meeting at non-busy times, or moving to the shade when meeting outside.
It’s exhausting to constantly have to ask for these adjustments. It feels horrible to be met with judgement for wanting to eat at the same place again or for struggling to pay attention because the lights are too bright. These sensory differences make relationships difficult. It also means that the people who know and honor your sensory needs are super valuable to have in your life.
“Double Empathy Problem”
You may have heard it said that Autistic people lack empathy. This is not true! Now, obviously, I can’t speak for every Autistic person, but I do know quite a few personally and I’m aware of the latest research in this area. So, I can say with confidence that Autistic people have empathy. It just may look different than what’s expected by non-Autistic people.
Back in 2012, Dr. Damian Milton, an Autistic person himself, proposed what’s known as the “double empathy problem.” Milton suggested that the breakdowns in communication that are common between Autistic and non-Autistic people are due to both people having difficulty reading the others’ social cues. The Autistic person struggles to understand the social nuances of the non-Autistic person, while the non-Autistic person is missing the Autistic person’s social cues. This is what happens when people who have very different experiences of the world interact.
Since 2012, multiple studies have shown that Autistic people are more easily able to have meaningful interactions that include empathy when interacting with other Autistic people. This doesn’t change the fact that many Autistic people are regularly required to interact with non-Autistic people and the social misunderstandings are often viewed as the Autistic person’s problem.
Autistic Burnout
Autistic Burnout is an experience of chronic, all-encompassing exhaustion when sensory sensitivities become more intense and there is a regression in life / coping skills. This is different than the more general experiences of burnout – you can read more about Autistic Burnout here.
This is another reason that Autistic people may struggle with relationships. Non-Autistic people often don’t understand the experience of Autistic Burnout. In fact, they may have never even heard of it or think it’s pretty similar to the experiences of burnout that many people have.
Autistic Burnout means everything is difficult. Deciding to eat. Taking a shower. Watching a show that I typically enjoy. Engaging in a special interest. It’s all hard when experiencing Autistic Burnout!
Combine the exhaustion, sensory sensitivity, and skill regression of Autistic Burnout with the fact that Autistic folks already deal with social communication challenges on the best of days and it makes sense that relationships are hard. When I am struggling to take care of basic tasks, it’s generally not possible to access the language or social energy to engage with others. This can mean that texts go unanswered or information goes unshared. It can look like not caring, but it’s really trying to survive Autistic Burnout.
Chronic Health Conditions
Many Autistic individuals also have chronic health conditions. Common ones include autoimmune conditions, digestive issues, and joint/mobility differences. This can make it difficult to create and maintain relationships.
Depending on the health concern, an Autistic person may need to limit contact with crowds of people. They may need to avoid certain foods or activities. They may have unexpected flares of their condition which cause them to cancel plans or get sidetracked with trying to manage their health.
All of the things that go along with having a chronic health condition can make relationships difficult for Autistic people, who are often also navigating one or more of the other challenges mentioned above.
Relationship Hx
By the time an Autistic person reaches adulthood, they have been navigating these relational difficulties for decades. The social cues that were missed. The statement that was said at the wrong time or in the wrong tone. The friends who disappeared once the mask started to slip. The accusations of not caring because the care looked different or the Autistic person was dealing with Autistic Burnout and just trying to survive. All of these experiences take a toll.
The experiences of being misunderstood and rejected build up. The fear of making a misstep becomes stronger. In some cases, this can make it feel easier to just avoid attempting to have relationships with others. A history of multiple social interactions gone sideways can make the risk of engaging with others feel too big.
These are just some of the reasons that an Autistic person might struggle with relationships. Whether it’s friendships, dating, or co-worker relationships, they can all be influenced by multiple aspects of the Autistic experience.
What’s Next?
Do you find yourself resonating with some of these challenges? Perhaps you know an Autistic person and this post has helped you understand more about your interactions with them. What are some possible next steps in your journey:
- Learn more about things like Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Autistic Burnout.
- If you care about an Autistic person, share this blog post with them and ask if anything resonates with their experience. Be curious about how you can support them based on what they share.
- If you’re looking for neuro-affirming mental health support, I work with adults (18+) in North Carolina and understand the struggles that can come with navigating relationships as an Autistic individual. Learn more about my services and complete a contact form to schedule a free, virtual consultation to see if we might be a good fit for working together.
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC (#12491). She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
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