I injured my shoulder back in 2017. I know exactly the moment it happened, and I’ve had pretty consistent pain in that shoulder ever since.
I’ve recently found some relief from the pain through working with a new-to-me medical professional, and I found myself thinking about how we humans often stay in pain when a solution of some sort may exist. Why do we stay in pain far longer than necessary?
Types of Pain
Pain can come in all sorts of forms.
- Physical – Like my shoulder, sometimes pain is physical. You may find yourself with an injury. You may develop a chronic illness that manifests in physical ways. You may experience physical pain while recovering from a needed medical procedure. You may experience physical pain related to abuse.
- Mental / Emotional – These are not always the same, but often do intersect. You may be experiencing emotional pain after suffering a loss of something or someone important to you. You may be in pain from trying to confront family drama and trauma on your own. You may have mental pain because you are a part of the 1 in 4 Americans who will experience mental illness in their lifetime.
- Relational – You may feel abandoned by those you hoped would care for you. You may find yourself in a relationship that you know is not healthy, but aren’t sure how to leave. You may feel lonely and disconnected as you navigate life in an increasingly isolating world.
- Vocational – You may find your work situation truly painful. Maybe you’re not appreciated for your talents and dedication. You may feel taken advantage of by co-workers or supervisors. You might recognize that the environment you work in is not a healthy one for having a balanced life and/or for advancing in your career.
- Spiritual – You may be in a situation where your beliefs have been shaken. Perhaps you’re trying to figure out what you believe at this stage of your life, or how to incorporate those new beliefs into your life and relationships. You may have been harmed in a spiritual setting, and are unsure where to look for support.
- Cultural – Your pain may be related to the culture where you find yourself. Perhaps your personal culture or heritage is not valued where you live. You may get constant messages (verbal and unspoken) that something about you doesn’t meet the cultural standards for language, beauty, knowledge, etc.
These are just a few of the types of pain that we may experience as humans. There are times where circumstances lead us to attempt to “just live with the pain.” There are other times where we may want to get rid of the pain, but we just don’t make any forward movement.
Factors That Keep Us In Pain
FEAR OF CHANGE. Pain sucks. We know this. But sometimes the pain is all we know. We’re aware of the discomfort, but it’s a known discomfort. Any attempt to address the pain likely comes with unknowns and possibly changes. They might be better, but we don’t know that yet.
The fear of change is a strong motivator of human action. An oft-quoted statement says something like, “a person won’t change until the pain of staying the same becomes unbearable.” Now, I don’t know if that’s accurate, but I do know that fear of the unknown can keep someone from seeking pain relief.
You may not reach out to that recommended therapist because you’re unsure what therapy might be like. Will they think you’re “crazy”? You may avoid seeing a doctor for physical pain because you fear what any test results might show. Is it more serious than you thought? You may stay in an abusive relationship because you’re not sure what would happen if you left. Will they come after me and hurt me more? All of these are valid fears related to change and the unknown.
I was afraid a doctor would look at my shoulder and say I needed surgery. I didn’t want surgery. Somehow my mind decided that, in order to protect me from the possibility of being told I needed surgery, I should just avoid having anyone examine the shoulder at all. The fear of change is strong!
NOT AWARE OF OPTIONS TO RELIEVE PAIN. Sometimes folks know things are not right, that they are hurting. But they don’t know of any ways to get relief from that hurt.
Maybe a medical professional told them decades ago that their issue had no solution. Rather than seeking an updated opinion based on current research, they hold onto to that information. Maybe they believe that dealing with cultural pain is “just a fact of life” and aren’t aware of any supports that can help with healing and/or advocacy. Maybe they were told that you stay at a job until you retire, and aren’t aware that that is no longer the norm.
It’s difficult to seek out healing or support when you don’t know it’s an option.
LACK OF ACCESS. Many types of support or healing come with a price – time, money, or both. They may also require dependable transportation to get to a location. And a person’s location affects what options may be available for them.
If you live in an area where churches outnumber people, it can be scary to express your doubts or how you have been harmed. If you work Monday through Friday from 8am to 5pm, it can be nearly impossible to make an appointment to see a medical or mental health provider (not to mention if you need to see them on a regular basis). How do you seek out support to leave an abusive relationship if you fear that person looking at your phone or viewing your search history?
When I injured my shoulder, I was working at a mental health agency that didn’t offer much compassion or time off (ironic, huh?). I took some time off once to see a doctor, was told to do some stretches, and was unable to follow-up with anyone because there was no way to schedule a visit around my work schedule.
INABILITY TO IMAGINE THINGS BEING DIFFERENT. It’s hard to imagine what we’ve never seen. If you’ve lived with a certain type of pain for months, years, or decades, you may have difficulty even starting to imagine what your life would be like if that pain was lessened or removed.
For someone who has had back pain for decades, the idea of getting out of bed without aches or moving freely can seem like an impossibility. An individual who has experienced multiple people (parents, partners, friends, etc) who say they love them, yet take advantage of them or harm them physically or emotionally may even feel uncomfortable when interacting with someone who treats them with respect.
You need a vision for how things could be different in order to feel motivated to seek out possible solutions.
BELIEF THAT YOU DESERVE THE PAIN. Sometimes we think we deserve what we’re experiencing.
You chose to accept the job position without vetting the company, so you may feel that you “deserve” to deal with the unhealthy dynamics. You’ve always been told that you were hard to love, so you may feel you “deserve” a partner who treats you poorly. You may have been part of a belief system that taught that you were “filthy” or “worthless”, so you feel like you “deserve” the spiritual pain you’re experiencing.
Our self-talk and internal beliefs are powerful! Believing that you “deserve” pain will often leave you in a painful existence.
PAIN BECOMES PART OF OUR IDENTITY. Anything that we focus on or accept long-term can become a part of our identity. The same goes for pain.
If you regularly experience the emotional pain of unbalanced relationships, you may have integrated being a martyr into your identity. If you have a mental health struggle and regularly refer to yourself as your diagnosis, that can become your identity. If your usual topic of conversation is about how horrible your job is (even when you have moved to different jobs), the experience of vocational pain may have become your identity.
Examining the parts of our identity is hard work. Choosing to alter any of those parts is often even harder work. When faced with losing a part of our identity if we address our pain, it’s understandable that folks would avoid addressing their pain.
What’s the Solution?
Therapy, of course! Just kidding….sort of.
The first part of the solution is figuring out what sort of pain you’re avoiding addressing. Physical? Mental / Emotional? Relational? Vocational? Cultural? Something else? You may have something immediately come to mind, and you can move on to the next step. If you’re having trouble identifying your pain point, you may want to talk with a trusted person who knows you well or to a mental health professional for assistance in determining what kind of pain you may be avoiding.
Step two is to identify the reason (or reasons) that may be contributing to you avoiding getting help with that pain. Maybe it’s one of the things that I’ve mentioned here? Maybe it’s something entirely different and specific to your situation? This is another area where talking with a trusted person can be helpful. As a licensed mental health counselor, I’m trained to listen to folks and help them make connections between things in their lives. Sometimes figuring out your pain and your reason for continuing to accept it requires making those often-difficult connections.
The next step is to begin examining what options exist to address your pain. This could be continuing to work with a mental health professional. This could mean seeking out resources on a certain topic, or possibly starting by figuring out how to research those resources. This could mean starting a job search or having an overdue conversation with a loved one.
Be aware that these steps will take much longer to implement than it took for you to read them. If your pain has been around for quite a while, it may take quite a while to understand it and deal with it. There may be bumps along the path, and there may be times you want to give up. These are the reasons that I believe having the support of a licensed mental health professional can be so valuable.
How To Work With Me
I provide professional counseling services via telehealth to those located in North Carolina. I meet with clients in real-time via a HIPAA-secure video platform. I have experience supporting folks in healing from all types of pain and in helping them determine their best path forward. I am able to empathize with the struggle to make changes based on my own life experience.
I offer a free, 20-minute video consult to folks who are interested in pursuing counseling with me. This time allows me to learn a bit about your concerns and for you to ask any questions you might have, so we can determine if working together feels like a good fit for both of us. If you’re interested in my services, please fill out this contact form and I will get back to you as quickly as possible.
Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
