You’ve found a mental health therapist, but something feels a bit off. You’re not seeing red flags like I talked about in this post, but there are some things that make you a bit cautious to proceed.
I refer to these as yellow flags While they may not be reason enough to stop seeing a particular therapist, it is important for you to notice them as you’re building a relationship with your therapist. These things can then be brought up in session with your therapist, so you can determine whether it feels right to continue with them.
What could some of those yellow flags look like?
Incorrect Assumptions
Imagine you have just shared a moment from your past with your therapist, who states, “I can imagine that made you feel helpless.” But you didn’t feel helpless at all. Your therapist made a guess at how you may have felt in the moment, and they got it wrong. Remember, we therapists cannot read minds and we can only know what you tell us.
The yellow flag of an incorrect assumption can turn red or green depending on how things proceed. When your therapist gets it wrong, I encourage you to tell them. Though I desire to be in tune with my clients, I am always wowed when they speak up and say things like, “No, that’s not it.” I celebrate that they’re using their voice and that they feel comfortable enough in their relationship with me as their counselor to let me know when I miss the mark. This yellow flag can go to green when your therapist is willing to hear your correction and believe that you are the expert on your experience. This exchange can build on the give-and-take of therapy and strengthen the relationship, making it a green flag for continued work together.
Incorrect assumptions can also become red flags, indicating this may not be the best therapist for you. If a therapist is pretty much always off-base with their statements, that may be an indication they don’t understand you or your lived experience. If your therapist is unwilling to listen when you speak up and say that they missed the mark, that can be a red flag indicating difficulty in creating a safe space to open up with this person.
Ineffective Homework
The things you talk about in therapy don’t stay in therapy. Generally, folks seek support from a mental health professional because something is going on that they’re not sure how to handle. There are things about their life that they want to change. And those things are not confined to the therapy space. When you’re working on things in real life, there may be tasks from therapy that you’re challenged to complete between sessions – homework, of sorts.
Though I don’t love the images conjured up by the word “homework”, I do believe that it’s important to work on things between sessions as part of seeing real change happen. Now this looks different for every person and depends on things like their concerns, their lifestyle, their resources, etc. Sometimes I might challenge a client to do a certain task between sessions that just doesn’t fit for them.
So, if your therapist suggests reading a book and you know you don’t enjoy reading or don’t have the time to devote to that or don’t absorb information well in that format, tell them. If you agree to complete a certain type of homework between sessions, but then don’t follow through for some reason, see how they react to that. Is there an opportunity to figure out what prevented you from tackling the task? Is there room to discuss other options? If so, this yellow flag can turn green and you may be able to collaborate with your therapist to figure what will work best for you to continue working on your goals outside of sessions.
The Style of Therapy Feels Off
CBT, DBT, ACT, EMDR, MI – these are just a few of the acronymns for the many different types of therapy available. Some therapists intertwine a variety of these, while others focus on using one particular modality with all clients. So, if the way your therapist is approaching therapy feels off, it may be that the type of therapy they are providing isn’t a good fit for you.
For example, if I were to begin EMDR or Brainspotting (two types of therapy that utilize less talking and more physical emphasis to assist the brain in reprocessing troubling events/narratives) without any discussion, I can imagine a client would be quite confused. It is important that I discuss my recommendation for a specific type of therapy with the client, provide a chance for them to ask questions, allow time for any preparation necessary, and move at a pace that isn’t overwhelming for the client.
Therapy is a consensual process for both parties. You, as a client, should be informed of the types of therapy your therapist practices. You should have an opportunity to ask questions about anything that is unclear about how therapy will be conducted. When your therapist makes a recommendation to utilize a particular type of therapy, it should be explained why they are making the recommendation and you have a right to consent or decline. Keep in mind that your therapist may feel the need to refer you to another provider if they feel their style and expertise aren’t a good fit for your needs. That, too, should be part of a discussion.
Yellow flags may turn to red if there is no discussion of the therapy being offered and no opportunity for you to provide informed consent. It’s also possible there is a mismatch in your needs and the therapist’s style, which may lead you elsewhere to find a “green flag provider.”
Something Important is Never Discussed
Part of the initial appointment(s) with a new client is asking questions and getting to know about them – who they are, what’s bothering them, who/what is important to them, etc. I do this by asking about things such as family history, social support, cultural background, and spiritual beliefs. I attempt to broach aspects of their identity with respect and curiosity.
For example, when asking about relationships, my initial concern is figuring out who is important to you and what kind of support you have in your life. Details of things such as gender identity of your support people or the specific nature of the relationship(s) may be important aspects to discuss if we proceed in working together.
There may be areas where differences in aspects of our identities are more obvious. For example, a potential client can see that I am a white, female-presenting therapist with a fat body. I attempt to bring up those aspects of identity that are more easily seen in order to let clients know I am aware they may play a role in the client’s experience, and they are open for discussion.
But some aspects of identity are less obvious. If a therapist doesn’t open up discussion of an important part of your identity or experience, that can be a yellow flag. The therapist may not be aware of that part of you, or they may not know the level of importance in your life. I encourage you to bring it up. Let them know by saying something like, “Hey, I come from a Jewish background and that impacts my life” or “I had this experience when I was a teen and I really want to talk about it.” Then, see how they react. Do they ask questions and seek to understand more about what you’ve shared? Do they seem to sweep your statement under the rug and move on with the previous topic? The therapist’s reaction will impact how safe you feel discussing something with them, and can be the thing that turns this yeellow flag either green or red.
Handling Yellow Flags
My recommendation in handling yellow flags is to bring them up in session and see how your therapist responds. A caring, curious response can make room for you to experience more safety and support in therapy – a definite green flag. A response that is dismissive or defensive may reveal some red flags and signal that a different therapist would be a better fit for you.
This post is part of a 3-part series. You can read more here about some red flags to be on the lookout for when seeking a therapist. The final post in the series will be posted within the next 2 weeks, and will look at some of the green flags that let you know you’ve found a good fit with your therapist.
If you’re located in NC and are curious about potentially working with me as your therapist, feel free to learn more about me and contact me to schedule a consultation or initial session.
Michelle F. Moseley is a licensed clinical mental health counselor providing telehealth services in the state of North Carolina. She specializes in providing support for folks who struggle with feelings of not being enough, which often stem from messages of being “too much.” She works from a trauma-informed perspective, and believes that ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and to feel heard. Learn more about Michelle by visiting www.MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
