October is ADHD Awareness Month. I am not posting this blog in October, although I did begin it during that month. I recently mentioned this to a friend and late-identified ADHDer who joked, “October is ADHD Awareness Month. We’ll be celebrating in December.” That humor felt important for a post about ADHD and shame.
I’m Michelle F. Moseley, LCMHC, a licensed mental health counselor in North Carolina who specializes in working with those who have spent their whole lives being told they are “too much” – too loud, too bossy, too sensitive, too lazy. I often work with folks who have experienced relational trauma or difficulties, who are experiencing faith deconstruction, and/or who are navigating later-identified ADHD, Autism, and/or AuDHD. I’m also late-identified Autistic. The hormonal shifts of mid-life and the process of unmasking have revealed some ADHD traits in my own life that were likely veiled by shame in the past. Also, some of the people closest to me in my personal life are ADHDers.
All that to say that I know a thing or two about shame and neurodivergence.
What does shame have to do with ADHD?
If you know much about ADHD and the continually developing research, you’re likely aware that ADHD is not really a deficit of attention at all. ADHDers often have an immense level of attention to direct toward things that involve interest, fun, or urgency. ADHD attention is often motivated by passion and by what feels most engaging at the moment.
ADHDers are not lazy! In fact, many folks with ADHD are some of the hardest working folks I know. However, the capacity, direction, and timing of focus for many ADHDers doesn’t always fall in line with the expectations of family, school, work, or society.
Not meeting society’s expectations can cause some ADHDers to give up. To believe that they are lazy or stupid or incapable. To stop allowing their creative ways of thinking and approaching the world to shine.
For others, this can create a strong internal sense of shame that becomes a motivator of sorts (though I would argue not a healthy nor sustainable one). Shame is a belief that you are “wrong” or “broken” at your very core. The feeling of shame can be intensified when you are unable to meet the standards you have set for yourself or that have been set by others who are important to you.
Many ADHDers feel emotions intensely and shame feels horrible. So, in an effort to avoid feeling shame, intense levels of control and attempts to perform expectations can take over.
The initial goal might be something like “as long as I can show up and complete the task on time, I won’t have to deal with this horrible feeling of being a failure.” This removes all room for fun, interest, passion, and urgency – the very things that actually light up ADHD brains.
How Shame Impacts Executive Functioning
Executive functioning (EF) is sometimes described as the brain’s “control center” – all the mental skills that help you plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and more.
Shame enters the picture, attacking areas where a person with ADHD may already struggle. The individual may utilize a wide variety of strategies in an effort to avoid these feelings of shame. Let’s take a look at some specific areas of executive functioning and the ways someone may attempt to avoid shame in those areas.
Planning & Organizing
Planning and organizing tasks include setting goals, determining the steps to reach a goal, and keeping track of items. What are some of the ways that an ADHDer may attempt to avoid shame related to difficulties with planning and organizing?
- Creating lists of both short-term and long-term goals, often heavily influenced by what others have indicated is important rather than by personal interests or desires.
- Writing out every single step related to a task, which can override the sense of fun or spontaneity associated with the task.
- Strict structures and routines aimed at keeping track of both physical and digital items. These are not necessarily supportive accommodations in keeping track of things like one’s keys or phone, but strict systems of control aimed at avoiding the experience of shame.
- Researching, purchasing, and creating things like planners, calendars, or cleaning carts in an effort to be “prepared enough” to tackle tasks.
Initiation of Tasks
Initiating tasks includes starting a task without avoidance, procrastination, or feeling “stuck.” For many ADHDers, task initiation is complicated by feeling overwhelmed with decisions or lacking a sense of urgency related to the task. What are some ways that an ADHDer may attempt to avoid shame related to difficulty with initiating tasks?
- Creating urgency through a new deadline. This might include inputting a personally crafted deadline into a reminder app or breaking things down into smaller steps and placing deadlines on those steps.
- Manifesting anxiety to create a sense of urgency that motivates action. Often this anxiety is related to fear of how others will react if a task is not completed.
- Ignoring communication related to the task. Shame can lead to avoidance – if I pretend it’s not there, I don’t have to deal with the yucky feelings that accompany not being able to get started.
Time Awareness
Time awareness is the ability to estimate and track the passage of time. Many folks with ADHD have difficulty accurately estimating how long a task will take or how much time they have been engaged in an activity. What are some ways that an ADHDer may attempt to avoid shame related to difficulty with time awareness?
- Setting multiple alarms or reminders in an attempt to not miss a deadline or appointment due to fear of the consequences.
- Showing up to places extremely early in order to avoid the possibility of being late and being seen as unreliable.
- Difficulty with sleep because relaxing leads to fear of oversleeping.
- Avoiding activities they enjoy in an effort to avoid “losing track of time.”
Working Memory
Working memory allows us to hold onto information and utilize it in a variety of ways. This can include following multi-step directions, doing mental math, or recalling why you entered a room. What are some ways that an ADHDer may attempt to avoid shame related to difficulty with working memory?
- Notes everywhere – on the desk, in the car, on the phone. Spending time and energy writing down all the things in an effort to avoid forgetting or losing track of tasks.
- Re-reading the instructions 10 times and going back to check before doing the next step.
- Spending hours organizing items and creating mental associations to avoid appearing disorganized or as though they don’t care.
Impulsivity / Self-Control
Impulsivity, sometimes referred to as a lack of self-control, occurs when there is too little pause between the mental trigger for an action and the brain beginning to carry out the action. This can look like the person who interjects before others have finished their sentences or someone who engages in risky behaviors without considering the potential consequences. What are some ways that an ADHDer may attempt to avoid shame related to difficulty with impulsivity or self-control?
- Over-control. This can look like creating rigid structures or rules for themself in order to avoid being reprimanded for interrupting or “acting out.” (This can be a part of the AuDHD experience for some, and may or may not be driven by shame.)
- Not verbally engaging in conversation in order to avoid speaking over someone or interrupting. This can lead to the appearance of being uninterested or unengaged.
An Important Note: Many of the things mentioned above can be utilized as intentional ways to support executive function needs. The important difference is whether a person is choosing to support their executive functioning or attempting to avoid feelings of shame by trying to control behaviors and outcomes.
ADHD Strengths Overshadowed by Shame
Many ADHDers disagree with the popular statement that “ADHD is a superpower.” This can dismiss the very real challenges that can come along with having an ADHD brain and trying to function within a world that often doesn’t understand you.
However, along with the challenges of ADHD, there are also strengths that come with a brain that experiences the world in a different way.
Shame highlights those challenges, often leading to the belief that you are wrong. Shame causes people to work really hard to avoid displaying any of the traits that have been labeled “wrong” by their world. And shame means that many of the strengths that can come with ADHD are overshadowed by attempts to avoid those feelings of shame.
What are some of the ADHD-related strengths that can be overshadowed by shame?
- Creativity and innovative thinking. ADHD often comes with an ability to see the world a bit differently than others, to think outside the box and find solutions that others may never consider. The threat of shame shuts down this creative and innovative thinking style.
- Curiosity and passion. ADHDers often find themselves yearning to understand things that are especially interesting to them, passionate to explore and to share with others. When shame enters the picture, curiosity can get labeled as a waste of time and passion that doesn’t align with the larger culture can be dismissed.
- Adaptability and spontaneity. There is a reason that many folks who work in crisis settings or high-paced environments are also folks with ADHD. The ability to adapt to constantly changing situations is an asset when spontaneity is necessary for survival. (Anyone watch The Pitt??) The impact of shame could literally hinder someone’s life if it causes that adaptability to be overly controlled.
- Empathy and connection. Many ADHDers feel things deeply, sometimes even to the point of taking on others’ emotions or experiences. This deep empathy can create space for strong connection and for people to feel valued and understood in the moment, a rarity in cultures that are very time-centric. Shame can cause a person to feel that they are “too sensitive” and cause them to shut down the very thing that helps us connect in our humanity.
While shame may initially look like a motivator, it’s likely to cause harm long-term. The person who is constantly working to meet expectations around being “normal” or “responsible” doesn’t have space to be authentic. Eventually their nervous system can no longer sustain the pressure, which can create even more shame if they don’t have the right supports in place.
What Next?
Are you resonating with some of this post? Maybe you’ve known you have ADHD for a while, but have never thought about the role of shame in your experience. Or you might be someone who struggled, but never quite connected with the ways that ADHD was described. Either way, learning more about your neurotype and the way you experience the world can be helpful.
It can also be helpful to work with a neuro-affirming, licensed therapist who understands both the challenges and the strengths that come with ADHD (and other types of neurodivergence). If you’re in North Carolina and interested in the possibility of working together, complete this contact form and we can schedule a free, virtual chat to see if we might be a good fit.
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC (#12491). She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
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